tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24562194391645160512024-03-13T09:40:01.350-05:00For Us It's Just One Big WaltzMy personal journey through Empty Nest Syndrome.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-33490512940319038432019-02-14T09:19:00.002-06:002019-02-14T09:19:10.317-06:00Happy Valentine's Day!Love is in the air and it’s a beautiful morning!<br />
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While today may be a “made up” holiday, it is one I look forward to every year. John and I don’t go to any great lengths for gifts or anything like that. We celebrate simply with a tradition the two of us have – even though I’m not sure how it even began. We trade cards. I know that it couldn’t be a more mundane thing to do and certainly not something anyone from the outside looking in would consider any big deal. But exchange cards we do: one goofy one and one romantic one. I look forward to those cards every year because I know how much thought goes in to choosing them. I’m the first to admit that I am the world’s worst gift giver. I am horrible at picking out gifts for other people! It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try to plan, how long I shop, or how perfect I think something will be, it always seems to fall flat when the gift is finally opened by the receiver. I’ve been accused of giving gifts I want people to have, or think they should have, rather than gifts those people would want or get for themselves. Only a very few times in my life have I actually chosen a gift that I felt the receiver was truly happy to receive. But our Valentines? I search and search for the perfect card that expresses all those things I feel when I reflect on our love story.<br />
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Our love story began when we met, through a mutual friend, in the dorm at Troy. Chet, the friend, was someone who seemed to go out of his way to make the new kid feel welcome. With me, he did it through Backgammon. I had never played, but Chet seemed to play in the lobby with someone from his group of friends every night in the lobby of our dorm. One night he offered to teach me how to play. A few nights later, John called “winner” as his way of getting an introduction. I’m afraid he didn’t realize I was just learning and it took several nights, with some help from Chet, for me to finally win a game. This is the point where some of you will think our story began, but you’d be wrong. Yes, John did ask me out and we had a wonderful first date. We went out several times that winter then both went home for the summer. The following fall we had a few more dates before deciding we had nothing in common and we wouldn’t date anymore. But, he continued to ask me out and I continued to say yes. The following spring John graduated and started his job, but before he left he asked me to wait for him. He wanted a year to get on his feet and be on his own and wanted to know if I was willing to give him that year. A year later he proposed and we were married not long after. While that story is one I love, it is simply the prologue to the story of our lives. What we are together is a product of more than thirty years of life together and choosing, every day, to continue to add to that story.<br />
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This year John and I will have been married 32 years and have been together a little more than 34. Compared to many, our lives have been blessed. While we have had our disagreements, the discussions are low key and have actually only been heated on one or two occasions over all these years. Every night – EVERY night – when he gets home from work, I’m still excited to see his face and hear how his day went. When my day doesn’t go as planned, or I’m disappointed in how something has turned out, John is the one I go to for a chance to vent. I know that while others may misunderstand my motives, he knows my heart and will always take on my disappointments as his own. I can’t even begin to guess the number of nights we have gone through dinner with his being unable to get in a comment because I am ranting about one ridiculous thing or another. This quiet, gentle man has never once made me believe, even for a minute, that I and the life we are building together isn’t his main priority. And, yes. I said building, because we aren’t done yet. On the day we were married, someone reminded me that until I said the vows that I could always change my mind. That thought never once crossed my mind. Of the hundreds of thousands of decisions I have made over the course of my marriage – both good and bad –the one to pledge my life to John was one I made without hesitation and have never regretted. <br />
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So, this morning I got up and read my two cards. One was indeed goofy. . . cheesy, I guess you could say. Yes. There were references to cheese on the card. I’ll let you wonder about that one. But the other? Those of you who know my husband know him for the man he is: quiet, reserved, dependable, responsible. Not one to express his feelings easily, always just assuming I know how he feels about me. That’s what that second card is for. As I read it I knew that he had spent as much time choosing the card that said all the things he feels as I had choosing the same for him. I couldn’t have been more sure of how he felt had he looked me in the eyes and said the words himself. <br />
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For several Valentine’s Day celebrations over the past few years, John and I have gone to the Golf and Beach Resort in SanDestin. We didn’t do that this year, for whatever reason. It could have to do with the trip to New Orleans coming up, or it could have simply slipped our minds to make reservations in time. So, tonight I’m cooking one of John’s favorite meals and this weekend we’ll do something together to celebrate. It won’t be something special or anything that requires a great deal of planning. Why? Because I know that every day since saying our vows to each other – vows that we meant at the time and still mean today – he and I have chosen to be in love with each other. We have chosen to value each other and make our life together a priority. I’m not naïve to the point where I believe that all it takes for a happy marriage is simply to choose to have one. Life isn’t always kind, and for many simply making a choice isn’t an option. For us, the challenges Life has put in our way have been ones we have been able to overcome without serious collateral damage. I like to believe that we have taken advantage of the blessings we have been given to become stronger together. I cannot imagine a time that I will not look to him for comfort or advice, or look forward to his kiss goodbye each morning and the sound of his voice when he comes home every night. So tonight, as I do every night, I’ll go to bed counting my blessings. At the top of the list will be the love of my life and the life I love. Happy Valentine’s Day!<br />
Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-34218589823246229262016-06-13T20:29:00.001-05:002016-06-13T20:29:33.567-05:00Uh Oh!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--BNyy5taU3s/V19c9vRri7I/AAAAAAAAAFc/9Zpp_O5ZEXk1Piz0lP_DHnWD-63p0R03ACLcB/s1600/MK_PLAZAGARDENEASTLAWN_7330252001.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--BNyy5taU3s/V19c9vRri7I/AAAAAAAAAFc/9Zpp_O5ZEXk1Piz0lP_DHnWD-63p0R03ACLcB/s320/MK_PLAZAGARDENEASTLAWN_7330252001.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IVtRUg8tDVA/V19dp99bKMI/AAAAAAAAAFo/SdvjaGi8vnA9wQfiknLuO2sBdLfMHlVkwCLcB/s1600/STUDIO_STUDIOARCH_7324643183.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IVtRUg8tDVA/V19dp99bKMI/AAAAAAAAAFo/SdvjaGi8vnA9wQfiknLuO2sBdLfMHlVkwCLcB/s320/STUDIO_STUDIOARCH_7324643183.jpeg" /></a></div>Someone asked me a few days ago if I had abandoned my blog. Answer? Not intentionally. After logging on to the site a few minutes ago I was astounded to realize I haven't posted <i>ANYTHING </i> in over a year! How did I let that happen? Was I busy? Neglectful? Lazy? Yeah, probably that last one. Oh well...<br />
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My life is once again in a transition stage. For the past twenty-nine years I've been a teacher. Out of all that time I've spent all of it save one year in the same job. I didn't realize how truly unusual that is in this day and age until I stopped to think about several friends' careers. It seems to have several jobs over the course of one's career is the norm these days. Oh, well, I've never claimed to be normal! I have one year left. So what next? Heck if I know! I've actually thought about being a freelance writer. Maybe it's my ego influencing me, but I think I'd do okay with that. I've never seemed to have a problem getting words on paper once I'm inspired. My only real question concerns how I would actually go about staring a second career as a writer? Anybody out there got any suggestion? I'm open to them! <br />
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This coming school year will be a year of lasts: the last first day, the last holiday breaks, the last spring break, the last senior class, the last research paper, the last everything that has been my "normal" every year since I graduated from college. I have to admit that the very idea of sitting in my chair this same time next year and NOT thinking about different ways to keep my class interesting or cruising office supply sites for cool stuff for my classroom is quite daunting. I think that, for now, I just won't think about it. What is it Scarlet says? Tomorrow is another day.<br />
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Erin and T.J. are doing great. They've celebrated their third anniversary (I know!!!!) and seem to be building a strong marriage and a life for themselves. I worry less now than I did in the beginning. I still love hearing about what they're up to and still don't mind if they pick and choose the things they want to share. I don't stalk on Facebook and try remember that they are young and busy... calling "mommy" every day just doesn't fit their profile! Ha! We text more than talk and that's really okay with me. I like being able to send her a message knowing that if she is busy she can wait until she has a break to answer. I don't want to interfere in their lives, just be considered an interested outsider. <br />
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John and I recently celebrated our twenty-ninth anniversary and are still going strong ourselves. I love the life we have built together and am excited to see what this next stage of our lives will bring. John still has a few more years to work before he can retire so I'm sure I'll be ready for him to by the time he can. <br />
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This summer I'm having trouble finding the motivation to do the things I normally do in the summer. Erin was able to come for a visit the first week after school was out and I refused to clean out closets when I could sit and visit with her instead. But, it's been a week since she left and I've still done nothing more than basic housecleaning. I know if I don't quit losing hours in my Nook and playing computer games I will regret not having done my rituals once I have to go back to school. What does that ritual entail? Those things my mother seemed to instill in me as I was growing up that were essential to the smooth running of a home: clean out closets and donate items I no longer use / want to Goodwill, wash windows, clean baseboards, clean ceiling fans and light fixtures, organize the pantry, clean kitchen cabinet doors, clean out and reorganize my laundry room, go through our DVDs and be realistic....that one always gets me. I really do want to do those things before I go back to school in August. I know that if I don't, I'll feel as if I've wasted my whole summer. But the pool looks so nice, the days have been beautiful, and the cleaning / organizing will be here tomorrow, won't it? Yup!<br />
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We probably won't see Erin again until her friend Bethany's wedding in August. We haven't talked about upcoming holidays so plans are still up in the air. When she was here we tried to remember the last time she was home. It was actually Thanksgiving before last. A year and a half. Now how did THAT happen? Getting TJ here with her has become relatively impossible. He is so crazy busy with the dairy that John and I have decided it is less stressful on all of us for the two of us to just go there. They live in a beautiful little town and we love visiting with them. We know how demanding TJ's job is and we don't expect him to drop everything while we are there. Seeing his drive and ambition is reassuring. He and Erin have things they enjoy doing together and they have individual activities they each do for themselves. It works for them, so it works for us, too. <br />
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I promise to pay more frequent attention to my blog. Maybe I'll be inspired and have something more to talk about than the mundane details of my middle-class life. Until then...don't forget to look for the beauty in simple things and tell the ones you love how important they are to you. <br />
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By the way, the pictures are from last year's anniversary trip to Disney World. No vacation yet this summer, but we're working on it! We did go see Harry Connick, Jr. in concert last weekend, though!!Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-31809570956359360762014-10-14T19:36:00.001-05:002014-10-14T19:36:11.780-05:00Stupid Delta!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q6k3bFIsKsY/VD3BSDsPObI/AAAAAAAAAEY/nukUFfzP-bI/s1600/10730213_700736950007831_7712761393066997191_n%2B(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q6k3bFIsKsY/VD3BSDsPObI/AAAAAAAAAEY/nukUFfzP-bI/s400/10730213_700736950007831_7712761393066997191_n%2B(2).jpg" /></a></div>I’m sitting here tonight waiting for it to get dark so that I can go to bed. I know…I’m old enough to know when I need to go to bed, but it is just all I can do to head that way before it gets dark. To say the least, it has been a trying weekend. To quote a beloved family member: Stupid Delta!!<br />
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John and I make the trip north to Erin and T.J.’s as often as time and work permit. Thankfully I had a four-day weekend this past week and we decided to take advantage of it. The plan was to fly up on Thursday when I got out of school, spend Thursday through Sunday night, and fly back on Monday. John had to go on to Indianapolis for a work thing, so I was to fly home alone. As a famous poet once said, “the best laid plans…” Yeah. Right. <br />
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Thursday worked out great! I had very few students due to nine weeks testing so I was actually able (with a little help from a dear friend) to leave a little after lunch time. I was able to get the pre-trip jobs done (water the dog, feed the cat, gather garbage to be taken out, etc.) before John got home so actually getting out of the house was easier than it often is. We had planned to fly out of Montgomery for whatever reason. Our usual jumping off point is Pensacola or Fort Walton. Should have known better than to mess with a plan that works. Anyway…flight coming in to Montgomery from Atlanta was delayed due to mechanical difficulties. John had planned for a FULL HOUR layover in Atlanta. Plenty of time, huh? WRONG!! Never, ever, and I mean never give yourself just one hour between flights. I don’t care how good you are at jumping turnstiles and running through airports. Planes never run on time and there is always the possibility of a glitch here or there. Sure enough, this trip was doomed for lots of little glitches. We missed our connection in Atlanta. Sat around the airport for three hours hoping to get a seat on the next flight. Ended up third and fourth on the standby list but the flight was full. Stood in line another hour at the Delta help desk trying to get a hotel voucher and reschedule our flight on to Milwaukee for the next day. Finally ended up in a hotel room very, very late. Got up the next morning to get the first flight out. Result? Missed visiting with Erin and having dinner the night before. Stupid Delta. <br />
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The visit went great despite our travel woes. T. J.’s sister Tara, an incredibly talented young woman, agreed to come down from Chicago where she is in school to take some family photos for us in exchange for us allowing her to us them in her portfolio for school. She is already creating quite a name for herself with her photographs. Naturally talented with an incredible sense of style. John and I had found the clothes Erin suggested we wear so we would “fit in” with the fall colors we were looking forward to. Pictures went great – love them, Tara! Time together was great. Weekend was much too short. Woke up Monday morning to weather in Clinton with worse weather moving in from the Gulf Coast all the way to Chicago. Wasn’t looking good for the trip home. Sure enough, my flight out of Milwaukee was delayed: first for thirty minutes, then for an hour, down to five minutes by the time we got to the airport, then back up to an hour before I actually took off. The pilot told us we would be taking a “circuitous” route to Atlanta and approaching from the eastern side via the Carolinas. Took an extra thirty minutes on top of estimated flight time. Maybe John should have flown out with me. The pilot said we were headed toward Indianapolis first and then would circle around to come around to approach Atlanta. Seemed a long way out of the way to me. That delay meant I missed my connection in Atlanta to Montgomery. Deja vu anyone? Yep. Got a message through my Delta app on my phone about the flight delay so I went ahead and made hotel reservations and rescheduled my flight for Tuesday morning. Meant I had to get a substitute and navigate the whole mess for an extra day. Found myself in line for security at Hartsfield-Jackson this morning at 4 a.m. central time. Took me around an hour and a half to get through security. The place was a mad house with people trying to make up flights and get to their destinations. Finally made it out on a 9 a.m. flight. Now that is a flight I will always remember. I actually heard women screaming as the plane rolled, dropped, bounced…basically took us for a ride I’m not sure I ever want to repeat outside an amusement park. The flight attendant kept reassuring us, from the safety of her seat where she was securely strapped in, that it was just “rough air” and that everything would be fine. It really was just really bad turbulence, but those sudden drops are heart stopping! The flight from wheels up to touch down was just a little over thirty minutes. Don’t think I’ve ever been quite so happy to see Montgomery in my life.<br />
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While the beginning and ending travel associated with our trip was memorable, the time in between was wonderful. Our time with Erin and T.J. always seems to be pretty relaxed. I hope that they don’t feel that they have to plan entertainment for us. We always seem to get along pretty well just sitting around reading, watching TV, or playing with their puppy who, by the way, is obsessed with John. Erin says she grieves for him when we leave. <br />
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I spent a lot of time this weekend just watching them. It is comforting to see just how easy they are with each other. They have celebrated their first anniversary and are almost half way through their second year of marriage. While the honeymoon may be over, their marriage is off to a running, happy start. They have and are facing those little adjustments we all make at the beginning of relationships. They are learning how to pick their battles and what really matters and what doesn’t. Of course, what those things are differ from relationship to relationship. Erin recently completed her college degree and is now adjusting to having a bit more free time on her hands. She has upped her volunteer time with her church, plays volleyball with a local league, works out at the gym with T.J., and is perfecting her skills as a domestic goddess. We are proud of her. She easily could have quit taking classes and let her college education go, but she didn’t. She stuck with it. The only semester she took off was the one during which she got married. We all knew that if she registered for classes that semester, the only result would be wasted money. She still graduated on time. She balanced a new marriage with completing her degree very successfully. <br />
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I think John and I both are conscious of being good in-laws. We don’t ever want to be a point of contention between the two of them. We like him. He loves her and is good to her. He has supported her decision to complete her degree and has provided a life for her that allows her to choose her activities based on what she loves and wants to do rather than on what she feels she has to do. She has taught herself to be an incredible cook and ventures into being a hostess for their friends and, occasionally, T.J.’s employees. She is making a home they both can be proud of. I have often worried in the past year or so that she would be bored once she graduated unless she had a plan for some kind of work. At one time she talked about opening a business. I don’t know if that’s still in the plans, but I’m sure that if it is, she will pursue success in that venture with the same dedication she has applied to building her home and marriage. We like going there. We can relax and just visit with the two of them. We don’t worry about whether or not they are able to pay their bills, if they are happy, if they are treating each other well, whether or not his family likes her or is treating her well. I believe that john and I are privileged to be able to do that. I’m sure there aren’t very many parents whose only worry when they visit their children is whether or not they will have to worry about flight delays or weather. <br />
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All in all this weekend was very successful. I always get a bit sad when she drops us off at the airport in Milwaukee. I’m sure she has noticed that on the trip from Clinton on the day we leave that I am very quiet. I hardly have anything to say. It’s simply because I am trying very, very hard not to let myself be sad knowing that it may be months before I’ll be able to see her again. Luckily I know she’ll be home for Thanksgiving if only for a couple of days. After that, I’m not sure when I’ll see her again. I’m sure that both she and we will be looking for that next opportunity to fit in a few days whenever we can. If we can, I know we’ll take advantage of it regardless of possible travel worries. This time the airline cost me a night and part of a day visiting with them. Maybe next time, we’ll get lucky.<br />
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Who knows? Stupid Delta.<br />
Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-54008560227160089192014-04-13T13:33:00.000-05:002014-04-13T13:35:11.176-05:00Is wanting to be alone really all that bad?I recently had a conversation with a very dear friend in which I found myself discussing something I didn’t think I would ever really talk about with anyone. Thankfully, she didn’t think I was unusual in my appreciation for the art of being alone and quiet. Sounds strange, I know. What sparked this conversation was the end of a very long day at the end of a very stressful week. I seem to be having lots of those lately. You know how it is. You notice something a little “off” in yourself and, in a need to prove to yourself that you aren’t weird, you drop hints into a conversation to sound out others’ possible reactions. What I found was encouragement and an “I thought I was the only one” reaction.<br />
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I’m sure that everyone who goes into any profession at some point in a long career stops to question the sanity of actually having not only chosen the profession in the first place but also having continued to do it once maximum stress levels have been reached and boundaries pushed. With coming up on twenty-seven years of teaching under my belt, I have found myself doing that relatively frequently over the last couple of years. I can remember not very many years ago I had so much energy and excitement about my job that I got excited coming up with new, creative ways to present material to my students. Now, I am at work by 6:45 or so and am there until around 4:00 each day. But, I’m not getting as much accomplished as I did when I rushed in right at 7:25 on a wing and a prayer. Why is that? I hit the ground running just as hard every single day yet at day’s end have a list equally as long as the one I came in to in the morning. It seems I spend my day cleaning off my desk. <br />
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This friend and I were discussing our confusion concerning a proper attitude about our current stress level. There is no end in sight, actually. There is no fix, quick or otherwise. Looking back at myself over the past few years I realized that I am spending more and more time sitting in absolute quiet and letting time slip by . . . and loving every minute of it. I treasure it, actually. I once came home from work in the afternoons and the first thing I did was turn on the television for either noise or company. Now? There are nights John and I don’t turn it on at all. Often when he comes home from work, if he didn’t see my car in the garage and me in my chair he probably wouldn’t even know I was home. There were days last summer that I sat down with a book and a cup of coffee in the mornings and suddenly realized that the day had slipped away and I had accomplished nothing on my “to do” list for the day. And I didn’t feel guilty!! For the first time in my life, I was spending copious amounts of time doing absolutely nothing and there wasn’t even a hint of a voice in my head generously murmuring how guilty I should feel at having wasted so much time. Want to know what the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about retirement is? Quiet. Absolute, ear-roaring, listen-to-the-house-creak quiet. It settles me and helps me to separate work from home. I don’t bring home as much work anymore. I know that could possibly be interpreted as a contributing factor to the amount of work I have to do at school, but you know what? It hasn’t. I know. I don’t understand it, either. I haven’t figured out how to do that trick to alleviate guilt associated with undone ironing and floors, yet. I’m sure John would just as soon I not work on that little problem.<br />
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Anyway…I digress. Back to the conversation with my friend. In our conversation over how our lives seem to be more full than we can handle, I mentioned to her that once someone had described me as being pretty much a loner; someone who doesn’t form close, personal relationships with either friends or family. This description continued by characterizing me as someone who suffered from a lack of a social life due to this inability to gather for myself a close network of friends with whom I would drift in and out of each other’s lives on a daily basis. What I wanted my friend to tell me was whether she thought that was an accurate description of me: do I, whether intentionally or not, distance myself from others? I have actually thought about this description of myself frequently over the past few years. It has bothered me to the point that I actually sit and think about it for extended periods of time, agonizingly dissecting every relationship in my life. My friend actually seemed a bit surprised when I asked her. She said she hoped there wasn’t anything wrong with enjoying time alone (or with just a spouse) when she does the same herself. <br />
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I never have been one of those people who spends Saturdays out with friends shopping and talking. Don’t get me wrong. When I do spend time that way, I have a blast! It just doesn’t seem to be essential to my happiness to do this on a regular basis. I don’t like talking on the phone. I don’t spend my evenings calling various friends to discuss our day. I do that with John. No matter what I tell him or how much I whine about my day, he just listens: no harm, no foul. I have several friends that I can think of off the top of my head that I believe I could call at any time, for any help I may need, with any problem, and be confident in the fact that they will drop what they are doing to help me. Even if the only help I need is a sympathetic ear. I admit that I do not have a large, extensive circle of close friends. I make a distinction between acquaintances and intimate friends. Acquaintances are those people whom I encounter either frequently or even on a daily basis but with whom I do not discuss personal topics. With these people I share stories of my students, of my daughter, or my frustration with the problem of the day. I have lots of those kinds of people in my life. Those whom I think of as friends are those people with whom I have a shared history. We know each other’s stories already. They know the bad, embarrassing stories as well as the funny ones or those of my child’s accomplishments. These few know about all the embarrassing things I’ve done (have often been there to witness it themselves) and do not judge me for them. They know about my numerous bad decisions over the course of my career / marriage / life and are willing to tell me that I was wrong, to tell me it wasn’t really my fault, or to simply look at me as if they are amazed that I even thought I was right in the first place. I trust these people to be brutal. I do have some very dear friends that I think about often but who do not know these details about me. But, the ones that do are what I think of as intimate friends. Between those two categories lies one that incorporates a few of the characteristics of both. I'm not even sure what to call that one.<br />
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When I stop to consider these women (and a couple of men), it is easy to see how each came into my life when I needed them and, often similarly, drifted out again just as quietly until the next time I seemed to need them. One came into my life in elementary school and she and I still worry about one another, are critical of each other when it is called for, are sympathetic to each other’s heartaches and worries. Our friendship has grown over the years into one that I treasure and don’t have to work at. She isn’t offended if we don’t communicate frequently. We see each other when we can and selfishly guard those moments. A half hour visit often turns into an afternoon. Our friendship has known its highs as well as its lows and survived the course. If she needs me I will go; if I call her she will come. One friend I met in college and she helped drag me out of the depths of homesickness. Since then her life has taken her very far away and we don’t talk as we once did. Social media helps to keep us in each other’s lives now. Two others have become part of my life and very dear to me through work. Their youngest children are close in age to Erin and they have listened to my countless stories of the frustrations of being a parent. Knowing they had experienced the same problems kept me from being hesitant about asking for advice. One of those I make “dates” with during the summer and we’ll meet for lunch and have long, wonderful visits. I’m sure waitresses hate to see us coming as we are notorious about hogging a table well past the lunch rush. The other is the friend with whom this whole thought process began. <br />
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This last friend has listened to me whine and complain about everything from my feet hurting because I felt the need to wear my “big girl” shoes to work to the days when depression so overwhelms me that I can’t seem to breathe. I know that her life for the past couple of years has been a series of setbacks set off by occasional miracles. I think I have learned my biggest lessons in how to be gracious and grateful from her over the past two years. She has days – weeks – that I know would cripple a lesser soul, yet she continues to push herself to be everything she has always been to everyone she has always been it for. In the quiet of a late-night break room she listened to me tell her how someone had once described me and how that description continues to haunt me. With two very short sentences, which are so personal that I will not share them here, she made me feel that while some of that description is surely true, that doesn’t necessarily mean that those parts are not positive. As a matter of fact, she is the same in many aspects.<br />
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So, you know what? While I may spend my days, and many long nights, sitting listening to the quiet, reading a book, or even waiting for the sun to rise, I will no longer wonder if that means there is something missing in me. Instead, I choose to believe that while I may not have a bulging social calendar, I am not a worse person for it. I spend my life with my closest friend and he thinks I’m okay the way I am. In today’s world of constant, instant communication and noise everywhere, what's wrong with that anyway?<br />
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Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-79133248323311904342014-04-07T12:16:00.000-05:002014-04-07T12:16:07.622-05:00One Down...This weekend Erin and T. J. celebrated their first anniversary. It seems so surreal. Just yesterday she was playing with her toys in a toy room that couldn’t – or maybe shouldn’t – be navigated without steel toed boots. John and I were able to go visit the first weekend of my spring break. They seem to have settled in to married life quite easily. I’m sure there have been bumps along the road. While bumps are awfully uncomfortable while you’re experiencing them, they are one of the most effective ways to work out problems and learn. Working out how to be a happily married couple while under a microscope is virtually impossible. That is why, even though I miss her every day, I think it is best that Erin and her new husband do not live within easy “visiting” distance from the rest of her family.<br />
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I’m sure that every newlywed couple faces the same issues. They’re universal, aren’t they? Money, vacations, holidays, in-laws, bathroom etiquette. Did I miss one? These issues may be resolved on a regular basis but they do have a tendency to continue to come up in conversations: loud, uncomfortable conversations sometimes. I think the trick is learning to follow the only piece of advice I have ever found to be truly helpful. What is that advice? Pick your battles!<br />
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Money has been the impetus for many marriages finding themselves on the trash heap and another in a long list of statistics. John and I seem to have found a way to avoid arguing about this particular trigger topic. I’m not so sure that we dealt with it so much as we have avoided it. For a while we shared a checking account. SO didn’t work for me. While my husband is very generous and has never denied me when I’ve asked for money, the problem is that I can’t bring myself to ask. Sharing an account means that one or the other actually gets custody of the checkbook. That means that person is also in charge of the check register. That horrible little booklet where I’m supposed to list every check I’ve written, to whom, and for how much. Really? I have to be accountable to someone other than myself for where my money goes? Not so sure I’m comfortable with that! It isn’t like I’m funding international crime rings or anything. It’s just that I feel that my money is just that - - mine. I’m sure John feels the same way and doesn’t want to have to tell me where all his money goes, either. I’m not really sure how long the joint checkbook thing lasted, but not too long, I’m sure. We now have separate checking accounts. Whew! Erin grew up in a home where the mother was uncomfortable asking for money. She never had a problem asking for money from me while she was living at home, but she seemed to have the same problem that I have when it came to asking her dad for money. As a result, he never really had a clue how much raising a daughter truly costs. Now that she is married, she is going to have to come to terms with her feelings about money and make sure she and T.J. come to terms about how their money will be handled. What advice can I offer? NONE! It’s none of my business. As long as she is cared for, fed, clothed, and housed, I will be staying out of that completely! That doesn’t mean that I won’t occasionally send a gift card just so she can have some mad money in her pocket. <br />
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Vacations and holidays sometimes go together. We were lucky enough to get to go spend Christmas with her. We stayed a LONG time! Probably too long for comfort for the two of them. I’m not really sure how the holidays deal is going to work out. It isn’t as if his family lives much closer than we do. Maybe a couple of hours but no more. His father does come about once a week, but on dairy business, not just to visit. I have determined, though, that working out where they will spend holidays is going to have to be their decision. T.J.’s job isn’t exactly one that he can just decide on the spur of the moment to take a few days and come south. I am determined to be a good mother-in-law and take what time they can give us and be grateful for it. I’m sure I will probably get a bit more possessive when/if grandchildren come in to the picture, but not behaving myself and being gracious would just make their lives miserable. I don’t want to be the relative they tolerate for the occasional visit that, regardless of the length of the visit, lasts much too long. Someone out there, please remind me of this in the years to come. I’m sure I will need an occasional booster kick in the pants.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fpk_rQ1wvRs/U0LblD5zopI/AAAAAAAAADw/F2mOUXGHwH4/s1600/Erin1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fpk_rQ1wvRs/U0LblD5zopI/AAAAAAAAADw/F2mOUXGHwH4/s320/Erin1.jpg" /></a></div>Now…bathroom etiquette! All I can say here is that this particular issue can be an on-going battle. I don’t think I have had a bath with 100% assurance of privacy since we were married. Even a shut door doesn’t seem to indicate that the person in the room doesn’t wish to be disturbed. We have two more full baths in the house as well as a half-bath. Can we really not just use the facilities in one of those? Is it absolutely necessary that you come through two shut doors (bedroom then bathroom) to come to the sink in our bathroom to wash your hands? I think the only issue we haven’t needed to address is whether the toilet tissue rolls from the top or the bottom. Whoever replaces the old roll gets to make that decision for the both of us. <br />
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As is evident, I am just a font of helpful advice! Fortunately, I think, I have been able to keep my wonderful advice to myself and out of my daughter’s marriage. If she asks, what will I do? Answer her. Non-judgmentally, lovingly, and with an eye for fairness. I must remain focused on the topic at hand and remember that she may sometimes simply be venting and not looking for an answer. She hasn’t looked to us to solve her problems in many, many years. Her independent streak is very wide and very distinct. She is also just enough like me that I realize that my taking any side, even hers, could cause a gradual undermining of our relationship. First and foremost it is important to remember that T.J. is her husband. Serious conversations about their problems should be held privately and with no one’s input but each other’s. They are both very young, yet both have also been taught by their parents to make careful, thoughtful, deliberate decisions. That won’t guarantee that all those decisions will work out precisely the way they plan, but then they will know those decisions were their own and weren’t influenced by anyone outside their home. They will just be bumps in the road to their future together. Opportunities from which they can learn and grow stronger. Do I think they can do this? Sure I do. In fact, I know they can. The evidence lies in the looks I see pass between them when they aren’t aware anyone is watching. Their obvious love and concern for each other is obvious. Even now a year later the look in their eyes reflects the same look that was there at their wedding. Their first priority is each other. What mother could ask for more for her daughter?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d1MicRZ7ZaQ/U0LbwesLGyI/AAAAAAAAAD4/WXnceqjSKqU/s1600/Erin6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d1MicRZ7ZaQ/U0LbwesLGyI/AAAAAAAAAD4/WXnceqjSKqU/s320/Erin6.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Erin and T.J., remember to pay attention to little things. Those are the really important things, anyway. Large, expensive gifts make a statement and there are certainly occasions where that sort of thing is appropriate. Your dad has done those things for me, and I remember each and every one. But the ones that touched my heart? The little gestures. You already know the story of when he gave me his heart, both literally and figuratively. I believe I still have them both. Ask me sometime about a particular special evening watching fireworks from a lifeguard stand or a stormy early evening that we spent the time just watching the rain.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C3m2iezQwBM/U0Lb3jErGSI/AAAAAAAAAEA/HhnmLv9WqLo/s1600/Erin9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C3m2iezQwBM/U0Lb3jErGSI/AAAAAAAAAEA/HhnmLv9WqLo/s320/Erin9.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-15oWnfBYYgU/U0Lb5ucyB_I/AAAAAAAAAEI/SP8lK2mvQ30/s1600/Erin12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-15oWnfBYYgU/U0Lb5ucyB_I/AAAAAAAAAEI/SP8lK2mvQ30/s320/Erin12.jpg" /></a></div>I think my favorite quote about love was by Tom Hanks’ character in Sleepless in Seattle: “It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together… and I knew it.”<br />
You guys are meant to be together – I just know it.<br />
Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-56202709217996655872013-05-30T07:10:00.002-05:002013-06-02T23:36:00.471-05:00Teach Your Children Well“Teach your children well” is part of a line from a song that I love. Given, it isn’t exactly in the current Top 40, but then neither am I. I could get maudlin here and say that this phrase inspired me to become a teacher but that isn’t even close to being true. Actually, this phrase was running around in my head this morning when I woke up. You know those days when you have a song you just can’t get out of your head and you don’t know where it came from? Well, it’s one of those days. For some inexplicable reason I woke up around 4 a.m. with that song ringing in my ears. Why today? Probably because of something I was thinking about last night as I was lying in bed waiting for sleep to find me. <br />
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Today is our anniversary. Twenty-six years ago today I made one of the biggest decisions of my life and stepped out on faith. This wasn’t a decision I think I consciously made, though. It was one that I just somehow knew was right. John and I had dated a little before deciding we really didn’t have anything in common. Even after talking it over and deciding maybe we didn’t need to see each other anymore, we still seemed to be drawn to each other. I don’t know how he felt about it at the time, but I intentionally chose to learn to like the music he does, the food he does, the movies he does. Um, yeah. Didn’t happen. We have, over the years, met in the middle on those issues. We found music we can agree on, movies that we both love, and foods we gravitate to when we are celebrating. It was a start.<br />
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Our life together has been freakishly smooth. I’m not saying there haven’t been times he and I could have justified to any court having strangled the other. I’m sure there have been times when he has looked at me and wondered how in the world he ended up where he is. I ask occasionally and he assures me he is happy with the choices we have made for the direction our lives have taken. I guess he is – he’s still here.<br />
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Neither John’s nor my parents are still married. Mine divorced when I was young; John’s not until he was an adult. I don’t remember much about the time when my parents were married, but I do remember their divorce was a good thing for both of them. I don’t think John saw it coming with his parents. I’m pretty sure he didn’t. I guess you could say that together we have seen two different kinds of marriages. As a result, we have consciously built our relationship with an eye toward avoiding those mistakes. Have we always been successful? I think so, but who can really say? I think our biggest secret to having been married this long is that we like each other. He makes me laugh and doesn’t laugh at me when I cry at movies. He doesn’t judge. While I know there is no way he can truly understand what my job involves and how it has changed over the years, he is, by turns, supportive and defensive in the sense that he does what he can to protect me from the stresses my job brings with it. We both really want the other to be happy.<br />
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Erin and T.J. have been married now for close to two months. As far as I know, things are going well. As any two young people who join their lives, they each bring different experiences to the marriage. People learn by observing others. What we perceive as “normal” depends entirely on what form of normal we have been raised with. I hope that she has paid attention. I’ve heard for most of my life that girls marry their daddies; that the way they see their fathers behaving toward their mothers is what they consider normal. I’m not so sure that is true in every case, but I hope it is in hers. My husband is a good man. He works hard, treats me with respect, is careful of my happiness, and devotes himself to raising our daughter in a secure, loving home. He is a wonderful parent and balances my occasional trips to crazy. He is a gentle presence in our home yet, when he felt he had to, his voice could carry a hint of steel when Erin needed to understand he meant business. <br />
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That song, which is still rolling around in my head by the way, encourages us to “teach our children well.” I hope that we have. I hope that we have taught Erin how to make a happy marriage where the couple support, defend, comfort, encourage, and respect each other. I think the biggest thing I want her to have learned by watching us, is to be sure that she and T.J. build a life that includes no one else but the two of them. I’m sure there are children in their future. They have talked about the pertinent issues: how many, when, etc. I hope that she doesn’t feel that we were not positively involved in her life as a child. But, I also want her to be able to think back over that time and see that her father and I were in the process of building a life together that would be there for us when she was gone. Parents don’t have children with an eye to when those children will leave home. However, I believe the most important thing parents can do is to teach their children to be successful, independent adults. Once those children are launched onto the world, there has to be something left for the parents when the dust settles and the house is once again quiet. That’s where we are on this twenty-sixth anniversary and it’s a very good place to be.<br />
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Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-81999119118560826442013-05-14T19:12:00.001-05:002014-04-13T13:54:07.816-05:00So, Here We Are...I know that it has been a while since I’ve blogged and I feel that I should apologize to those faithful few who do actually check my page occasionally. Those few are those who have an interest in what’s happening with my family and are tolerant of the frequent emotional posts. Sorry, guys, but I just haven’t been able to put my thoughts into any recognizable, coherent order lately.<br />
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For those of you who do know my family and have been keeping up with us this past year, you know what a wild ride it has been! Now that the excitement is over and real life has settled in yet again, I’ve found that I can actually talk about it without becoming too overly emotional. On April 6th Erin and T.J. were married. I hope that she remembers more of that weekend than I do. It was such a whirlwind of activity that as I’ve been looking back at the pictures I realize just how much I missed. You know, there are things that every mother just knows she will do with her daughter on the day her daughter is married. I’m sure you know the things I’m talking about: helping her put on her dress and veil, quiet moments with just the two of you to absorb the moment, seeing her father see her in her dress for the first time. I missed that. All of it. The lady who fixed her hair (three times…until Erin was happy with it) attached her veil. Probably just as well since she would have had to redo it when I was done anyway just to make sure it would stay. Even though we had all day and Erin and I did spend more time together than I thought we were going to be able to, there really wasn’t a time for us to just sit and take it all in. Her bridesmaids helped her into her dress and she was already dressed by the time I made it down to the room where they were meeting for pictures. What was I doing? Trying to get myself into my dress and her dad’s button covers on his tux done. I missed it. But, I was with her when she found her dress and for all subsequent fittings so it isn’t as if I don’t have special memories attached to it anyway. I’ve seen pictures of the moments just before John walked her in for the ceremony that show how very proud he was of her that night…and still is, by the way. So, even though I missed it, I still know the moment was special for the both of them.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y470-GZLhkM/UZLPBmeSKLI/AAAAAAAAACo/CM7EiHQ3GTs/s1600/_LAN6432.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y470-GZLhkM/UZLPBmeSKLI/AAAAAAAAACo/CM7EiHQ3GTs/s320/_LAN6432.JPG" /></a><br />
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The ceremony was beautiful. I hope it was everything Erin and T.J. had imagined it would be. I did really well. Better than I thought I would, actually. I was okay while the groomsmen walked in. I even laughed a little at the look on T.J.’s face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile so big. I think it speaks for T.J. that his groomsmen were willing to travel so far to share the day with him. Then, I thought I was going to fall apart when the bridesmaids began walking in: beautiful young women who are special in Erin’s life. Of the six bridesmaids, I only knew two of them before that weekend. Bethany and Sallie are friends of Erin’s that she took with her to Tuscaloosa and then, later, along with her in her heart when she moved to Wisconsin. Two of the bridesmaids, Catie and Hannah, are friends she made during her time at UA. Having met them now, I understand just what drew them together in the first place. Both are so funny and seeing them with Erin at the bridesmaids’ luncheon was a trip! The last two are T.J.’s sisters. I guess they’re Erin’s sisters now, too. The elder, Tara, is a wonderful young woman with an exciting future in the arts ahead of her. She just graduated from high school this past weekend, so she and Erin are pretty close in age. Even were she not T.J.’s sister, she is the kind of girl Erin would be drawn to. I think she is someone with whom Erin can be close. The younger, Trinity, is quite a few years younger and is such a sweet little girl. I think there’s a little case of hero worship for T.J. happening there. That’s okay, though, because he is crazy about her, too! <br />
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The most emotional moment for me was watching Erin and John come up the aisle. It’s kind of a surreal moment. I’m just glad it’s the dad’s job to “give the bride away.” I don’t know if I could have turned around and left her standing there. But I was really glad when John finished his part and came to sit with me. Once he was with me, I could just breathe and enjoy the ceremony. Anyway, during the ceremony Erin and T.J. couldn’t stop smiling. They both kept stealing glances at each other and I think it was obvious to everyone in the room how very much in love with each other they are. As emotional as the whole thing was for me, I got so caught up in the two of them that I basically forgot to be weepy. Stewart, the minister, took special care to make their ceremony personal to the two of them. While there were emotional moments, there were also those where everyone laughed along with Erin and T.J. Once they were pronounced husband and wife, they turned to leave the room and the look on their faces was priceless. They were both so obviously excited! The reception afterwards was a chance to catch our collective breath and just have fun. The food was wonderful and everyone seemed to have a good time. <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3Gy_ycWAJbs/UZLPWhmQAlI/AAAAAAAAACw/GMm6SxdE8RY/s1600/_LAN6443.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3Gy_ycWAJbs/UZLPWhmQAlI/AAAAAAAAACw/GMm6SxdE8RY/s320/_LAN6443.JPG" /></a><br />
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So, now that it’s over and I’ve had some time to adjust to being a mother-in-law, I find that it’s kind of a cool thing. Every time I talk to Erin she is very happy and truly enjoying settling in to married life. I’m sure that there are adjustments that have to be made, but since they lived together before I think the adjustments have really not been that bad. Probably the biggest adjustment has been in the realization that now it is “real.” Up until the wedding, although I’m sure it was never really something she considered an option, she could always just come home – no harm, no foul. But now that they’re actually married, she knows that this is the biggest commitment she has ever made. This isn’t a decision she went in to hastily. Even though I know she followed her heart, I truly believe that marrying T.J. was something she thought about. John and I have been married almost 27 years, so I know that we have presented her with an example of what marriage can be if you want it to be. She knows that every day isn’t going to be perfect. There will be days when the two of them will irritate the other over the stupidest things. There will be in-laws issues on BOTH sides of the family. Over the next year, the two of them will work out between them what the pattern of their lives will be. <br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FP2BzNNk_4Y/UZLPxGHgLjI/AAAAAAAAAC4/7i7Z3bfcEI8/s1600/_LAN6474.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FP2BzNNk_4Y/UZLPxGHgLjI/AAAAAAAAAC4/7i7Z3bfcEI8/s320/_LAN6474.JPG" /></a><br />
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I have promised myself that I will be a good mother-in-law. To that end, these are the vows that I will be trying to stick to:<br />
1. I will not offer unsolicited advice.<br />
2. I will not invite myself for extended visits.<br />
3. I will not “drop in” uninvited.<br />
4. I will not demand “equal time.”<br />
5. I will not make my child feel guilty if she isn’t home for every holiday – or even every other holiday.<br />
6. I will remember that she has other people to consider when making plans.<br />
7. In times of stress, I will not take her part over his or his part over hers. As hard as it may be, I will remain neutral and STAY OUT OF IT! (That does not mean that I will not discuss whatever issue is at hand at length with her daddy ). <br />
8. I will treat him as my own and love him if for no other reason than he loves her.<br />
9. I will work to maintain a positive relationship with his family because now they are Erin’s family, too.<br />
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So, that’s where we are. They’ve been married a little over a month now and so far so good! I have to admit that as much as I hate the fact that they live so far away, it does leave me free to not be involved in their everyday lives. What I mean by that is I will not be close enough to witness their stressful days with each other. I am free to live vicariously through them and simply enjoy what they choose to share. I also get to show the two of them off with lots and lots of pictures!! <br />
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A new stage in our lives as parents has now begun. The nice part? For the past 21 years John and I have been careful not to lose sight of us. We made sure to make time for the two of us so that when this day came we wouldn’t be sitting around here wondering what to do now. We don’t eat dinner if we don’t want to. We take impromptu trips to the movies on Sunday afternoons. We spend quiet evenings reading or surfing the net, just enjoying the quiet. We’re at a good place in our lives and I’m enjoying just being a couple again. I’m willing to admit that the fact that our son-in-law is everything we ever wanted for her makes this whole process much easier. Stay tuned…who knows what the future will bring?!<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GPn2l5anfHQ/UZLSI5BHQKI/AAAAAAAAADI/PT7hpV_NvRw/s1600/_LAN6554.JPG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GPn2l5anfHQ/UZLSI5BHQKI/AAAAAAAAADI/PT7hpV_NvRw/s320/_LAN6554.JPG" /></a><br />
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Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-55501903934218021102012-10-16T20:52:00.001-05:002012-10-16T20:57:25.186-05:00Just a Little RantHow did we lose it? How did we, as a society, get to this point? It truly makes me afraid for our future as a nation. Somewhere along the way, we have allowed our young people to expect that life is easy; no work at all and no expectations for success. <br />
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I’m convinced that this whole trend began when we began giving trophies to everyone – win, lose, or draw. Is it really a bad thing to teach our children that losing is part of life? That everyone doesn’t win all the time? Instead, we seem to be teaching them that if you want to take the lazy way out, that no one will think less of you for it. I don’t want anyone to think that now that I’m getting older (and I am) that I’m falling in to that old “kids these days” mindset. I’ve been teaching for quite a while and have always been amazed at the creativity of each new group of students. I like teenagers. I think they have endless potential. So why am I on my soapbox? This school year I have seen very likeable kids refuse to step up to the plate. I’ve heard students complain that it “isn’t fair” that they’re being asked to work a bit harder. Now, I understand that some of them believe that there is no reason to take the high road, the path less traveled shall we say, if there is no reward – no trophy – at the end. But so what?! <br />
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I can’t imagine my mother ever, ever, EVER telling me that I didn’t have to do something simply because I didn’t want to or that I thought it was too hard. Are you kidding me? She looked at every experience in the classroom, bad or good, as an opportunity to learn. It didn’t matter if the experience came with grades. It didn’t matter that there was no public recognition or gold star in my future for having done it. Some of the time, I have to admit, that when she was standing behind me (which she always did), she wasn’t there to provide support. She was there to make sure that I stepped up, didn’t avoid difficult tasks, or run from it altogether. It just put her foot in closer proximity to my behind. What I learned was to pull myself together and forge ahead. I wasn’t always successful and my results were not always something to brag about. But, then, I did have the satisfaction of knowing I had tried. That while others avoided tasks because there was “nothing in it” for them, I had done it anyway and for no other reward than self-respect.<br />
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As Americans we have a difficult road ahead. But hasn’t every generation of Americans before us? Where would we be if Thomas Jefferson’s mother had been the type of woman who told him, “Writing that constitution is going to be really hard and when you’re done, what will you get anyway? I think you should just not worry about it”? Now think about where we’ll be if we don’t expect our children to step up to a certain standard of behavior and performance. Dismal, huh? We are facing a generation of young people who believe they deserve a reward for every task. They do not see that many times the reward is the task itself. This particular “Me” generation is really that…some want to know what we can do for them without their having to do anything to deserve those rewards. <br />
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Now that I have vented, let me end by saying that there are still many, many children out there who find joy in learning new things, or taking things they already knew and coming up with something entirely new. Generally these children have parents who don’t let them back out of commitments or quit something before the task is completed. They expect their children to know that life is hard and if you want something out of it, you’re going to have to work for it . . . sometimes for a long, long time before there is any type of reward at all. These are the kids that will save us in the end. They will find the solutions to our society’s most difficult problems. I trust my future to these kids. They step up to the plate every time. If they are willing to do it now, they will be even more confident in their abilities in their very bright futures. <br />
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To those of you out there who weren’t / aren’t the popular parent because you expected your child to meet your expectations, thank you. Because you held your child to a higher standard that child will know the joy of a job well done regardless of reward or recognition. You are the ones that get me out of bed and up the road every morning. And the answer is no. There's no gold star for me at the end of the day either...and that's okay.<br />
Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-39959344126968714972012-09-30T19:25:00.001-05:002012-09-30T19:25:12.428-05:00In remembranceIt is really hard to let go. That is true of so many things. Recently, however, I had to let go of someone. Earlier this month my aunt Gloria Martin passed away. She woke up one morning in pain and four weeks later she was gone. I had a bad feeling that once she went in to the hospital she would never come home. My mother assured me that she would, but I just felt it. <br />
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I'm a coward when it comes to sickness and death. About seventeen years ago one of my cousins passed away after a lengthy illness. My sister went to visit with him and his siblings encouraged me to do the same. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know that his condition at the time of his death would in no way alter my memories of him, yet I didn't want that image to be the last one I had of him. He had suffered for so long. Over the last couple of years I have lost two uncles, both of whom I loved very much. I don't think you could find two more different men, yet their relationship with me was always loving and respectful. Both treated me as if I had some sense long before I really did. One died unexpectedly; the other after a short illness of about eight weeks. I didn't go visit him either. He had always been a fixture in my life, often in ways others didn't know about. My father and I have always had a tenuous relationship. This particular uncle, his brother, made it a point to check on my sister and myself on a regular basis after my parents' divorce. Although I'm sure he wanted to know that we were doing okay, I think he really just wanted to be sure we didn't lose touch. He was a very handsome man with a quick, brilliant smile. I know that he and his children went through some rough times, as well, but to me he was a steady positive influence for a very long time. Even after I left home, went to college, and got married he showed an interest in my and my life. When Erin came along and later began to play sports, he came to games and kept up with mentions of her in the newspaper. <br />
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Aunt Gloria was the first of my mother's siblings to pass away. She has never had a day in her life that she was not plagued by physical discomfort in one way or another, yet those around her would never guess. As she wasn't that much older than myself or my sister, there were some rough days among us as adolescents. As we grew older, she and her twin sister, Gladys, would often come to our house and we would play cards. I still remember those rather loud games fondly. But my favorite memories of her are those of her with Erin. From the time Erin was born I believe she had both Gladys and Gloria as her devoted slaves. She loved them and they adored her. Gladys would roughhouse with her, rolling around on the floor overcome with giggles. Gloria wasn't able to do that, but would have Erin sitting in the chair next to her and read, color, or just talk. Even as a very small child, Erin seemed to understand that we had to be careful with Gloria; that we couldn't run and jump on her the way she did with Gladys. Having never had children of their own, I believe Gladys and Gloria loved all their nieces and nephews as if they were their own. <br />
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I didn't go see Gloria while she was in the hospital. I kept up with her condition through phone conversations with my mother or another of my aunts. I was afraid that Erin might not be able to come home for the funeral, but we were lucky that she was able to work it out. Standing with my mother, sister, and daughter at the casket it struck me that the three generations of us will do this again. At our age (my sister's and mine) we will have to do this more frequently, I'm afraid. I know that is a part of growing older and certainly one of the unavoidable conditions of life. Like I said, I'm a coward about sickness and death. They are disruptions in my life and always bring about changes I'm not ready for. I haven't been back to my grandmother's since the day of Gloria's funeral. I know that I will have to soon. I sat with her the Sunday before Gloria died and had to tell her just how bad Gloria's condition was. Her grief was overwhelming. She and I sat holding each other and crying for over an hour. She told me several times that she hoped I never had to go through the death of a child, that it isn't natural for a mother to bury her children. I believe that witnessing her grief at the loss of a child - regardless of the age of that child - will affect me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure yet just what that impact will be, but I know it is waiting there for me to face it.<br />
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My aunt Gloria loved me as I loved her. Going to my grandmother's will never be the same and I'm sure I will always look for Gloria before I remember. I'm going to miss her a bit more every day.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-52509544228950755302012-08-04T15:30:00.001-05:002012-08-04T15:32:27.842-05:00I Love the Smell of School Supplies...In just a little over a week, my summer will be over. Yup. It's that time again. I haven't accomplished everything I set out to do, but that's okay. I am pretty sure the attic will still be there when the motivation to clean it finally strikes.<br />
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This time of year always brings with it a strange mixture of emotions: dread of having to get back in to the routine, and the excitement of a new school year. If you count the years I was attending school, this will be about my 37th first day of school. Just a few more years and I've promised myself I will drive down there on the first day simply for the pleasure of watching before driving myself home to bask in retirement.<br />
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At our house the beginning of the school year has always signaled a particular ritual. Erin and I would make ourselves wait until about two weeks before school started before we would go school supply shopping! Of all the things she could have inherited from me, I think the love of office supplies is probably the most unique. We could spend hours strolling the school supply aisle at Target, ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over all the cool stuff. Even though I tell myself every year that I'm not going to, I always end up buying a few things for my classroom. I think somewhere deep inside me is an elementary teacher - but just the part that likes cutesy teacher stuff. I have already been by my classroom and dropped off two separate piles of index cards, bookmarks, markers, pens, and all kinds of neat things. It seems whenever a kid at school needs something he knows to come to me and I will probably have it. I'm particularly popular around homecoming. There's probably something a bit wrong about a woman my age having as large a stack of coloring books as I do. But they make great bulletin board patterns! That excuse might work if I actually put up more than three bulletin boards a year. If the urge ever strikes me, though, I'm prepared!<br />
<br />
I didn't get to take Erin school supply shopping this year. She's still enrolled but will be taking all of her courses online. Since her move to Wisconsin there have been any number of little things like this that I miss. Even though she hasn't really lived here for two years, I still catch myself listening for her upstairs. Or, I'll think of something funny and want to share it with her. I don't know how mothers who didn't have texting did it! She and I probably actually have more conversations now than we did when she lived here. Hopefully I'll get to visit her in October for a weekend and get to hear her sweet voice in person. I sound as if I haven't seen her in months when that is actually not the case. She came home Fourth of July weekend to be in a friend's wedding. I picked her up in Birmingham so we had the ride home to talk. I have been very good about not pestering her about when she'll get to come home again. With her classes about to start, and with her being deep into wedding planning it may be a while. She and I have already talked about the probability of her missing either Thanksgiving or Christmas with us. It is only fair that T.J.'s family gets to see them on holidays, too. I am determined not to be the kind of mother-in-law that shares but makes sure everyone else is aware of the sacrifice. That's not to say that the first Christmas morning that I wake up and she's not here will not be hard. But it won't be any easier for his mother when it's our turn. <br />
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Erin did get to do a little school supply shopping this year. When T.J.'s mother and sisters visited a couple of weeks ago, Erin did a little office supply scouting with them. I talked to her not long after and she was laughing about how strange it was to do that and not to be loading up on cool stuff of her own. She really likes her sisters-in-law-to-be. One is old enough to really be a friend and the other is young enough to spoil. She also really likes T.J.'s mom. It's nice to know that her new family love her as much as we do. <br />
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<br />
Erin and T.J. have a new addition to their family: a miniature schnauzer named Trixie. I'm going to have to have a serious conversation with T.J. Although I know he loves dogs, too, I think he caved pretty easily on the puppy issue. I'm not sure it would matter what she asked for. If he thought whatever it was would make her happy he would try to provide it. A girl could get used to that!<br />
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It's only eight months and two days until Erin's wedding. Her dress is bought, altered, and hanging in the guest room with her veil. Save-the-Dates and invitations have been ordered and delivered. Erin is working on addressing envelopes. The DJ and photographer have been hired and contracts signed. Wedding favors are here and stored with her dress. Hotel reservations have been made for us and her for a couple of nights before as well as the wedding suite for her and T.J. the night of their wedding. Blocks of rooms have been reserved for out-of-town guests. I think all we have left to do that I will need to be in on is flowers and a cake. The wedding planning hasn't been nearly the trouble I anticipated. With her in Wisconsin, me in Alabama, and the wedding in Birmingham I was dreading the logistics of the process. She has really made the process pretty simple. She's still working on a bridesmaids' gift idea but I don't think that's going to be any trouble at all. All in all I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Ask me again the second week of April!<br />
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<br />
This school year marks yet another beginning. There have been lots of them in my life, many of them incredibly similar. I'm sure there will be many more. On the first day of school that I don't actually go I'll probably even feel a little left out - as if someone is having a party and didn't invite me! I'll just have to make sure that when that day comes I have a different kind of beginning to look forward to. What will it be? Who knows? It's good to have a little mystery in your life.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-90248907374120712492012-06-27T11:20:00.001-05:002012-06-27T11:20:54.511-05:00Take a Letter...<br />
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Erin and I have been as busy as bees these past few days
taking the next step on the wedding planning ladder. I’ve spent countless hours on the internet
searching for DJ’s and photographers. We
found a DJ and I think we are narrowing down our choices of photographers. John seems a little bemused by the whole
process. Every now and then I try to
explain to him that these service providers get booked months in advance, that
it is possible that the ones we want won’t be available on April 6<sup>th</sup>. Something that has also kind of stunned the
both of us is the prices attached to some of these things. We actually looked at one photographer whose
fees started at $6500. Yes, that’s
right, I said started! Then, of course,
there was the traveling fee – so much per mile to and from the venue. Thankfully, after further searching, I have
found several other very good photographers that aren’t looking to retire on
Erin and TJ’s wedding!</div>
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When Erin and I first started this process I truly
understood what it meant to try to do this with my being in Kinston, Erin in Wisconsin, and the venue in
Birmingham. Thankfully, Haley (our
patient, kind wedding planner) has answered my emails with professional
tolerance. I’m sure that she has dealt with
mothers worse than I, all of us believing that we are the first to come up
against a wall in the planning process.
Actually, I’ve only sent one email, the purpose being to introduce
myself and give her contact information for me.
I also asked what I needed to be doing right now and expressed my
concern over this long-distance planning process. Her prompt reply turned me in the right
direction and eased my concerns. Thank
you, Haley!</div>
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If I sometimes feel out of the loop, I can only imagine how
TJ’s mother feels. This is a big day for
him, too! I’m sure that at some point in
his life, she has thought about the woman TJ would eventually marry and she
probably had some sort of vision in mind of what the wedding would be
like. But, being the mother of a boy,
she may have actually felt a little relief knowing the bulk of the process would
be up to the bride’s family. Can’t say I
would blame her. </div>
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Anyway, with that on my mind, I asked Erin for TJ’s mom’s
mailing address. It took her a couple of
days, but she finally came through. Then
I took a couple of days carefully wording a letter to TJ’s mother. Do you know how hard it is to write a letter
to someone you don’t even know? The fact
that this first contact would give her an impression of TJ’s future in-laws
only added to the pressure. I didn’t
want her to read my letter then wonder just what kind of crazy woman Erin’s
mother is! There were several purposes for this
letter: to introduce myself to TJ’s
mother, to express our gratitude for her welcoming Erin as she has, to tell her
how much we have come to like TJ, and to tell her that she is welcome to
participate in the wedding planning to whatever extent she would like. As those of you who follow me regularly have
realized from the beginning, I’m a bit verbose.
I could have handled all of this through email or Facebook, but I wanted
to be able to let the words I had chosen rest a bit before I rushed them to
Nebraska. Let’s be realistic. TJ’s mother will have more influence over
their day-to-day life than I will simply because of logistics. She’ll be closer. Also, intruding mothers-in-law with opinions
on everything can be hard on a marriage.
So far, TJ’s mom has done nothing to indicate that she is anything but
happy over the two of them. She has made
Erin comfortable and treats her as she does her own children. Since all three of her children seem to be
bright, healthy, and well-adjusted then how she treats them must be a good
thing. </div>
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So, I trusted myself to read the final draft then forced
myself to sign it, put a stamp on it, and walk it out to the mailbox. Hopefully when she reads it she will know
that we want TJ to feel as welcome and loved in our home as Erin does in
hers. Either that, or she’ll wonder just
what kind of nut Erin’s mother is and
assume that is the reason she has moved so very, very far away and is so happy
with her decision. I guess I’ll know one
way or the other in a few days. Surely
Erin will let me know if TJ’s mother says anything about it either to her or to
TJ. Then again, maybe she won’t. </div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-34124373676473114782012-05-31T10:40:00.000-05:002012-05-31T10:40:32.267-05:00It's All Silver<br />
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It seems like only yesterday. My memories of it are still very clear and
precious. John and I celebrated our 25<sup>th</sup>
anniversary yesterday. Twenty-five years
ago I pledged my life to him and have never looked back. The six months leading up to our wedding were
a blur of plans and nerves. I’m sure I
experienced the same jitters every woman does before her wedding, but mine
seemed especially strong to me. I don’t
think I really believed he would go through with it until I saw him standing at
the altar. John is a good man any woman
would be lucky to have. I wouldn’t have
been surprised at all if he had backed out.
I’m still not really sure that I deserve him. Even through the times that we couldn’t stand
the sight of each other, I never doubted that I loved him or that he loved
me. Slowly but surely he has become a
part of me in a very real, concrete way.
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I think that it’s important in every couple’s relationship
to stop occasionally and inventory all
the reasons you love someone.
Unfortunately, most – myself included – often neglect this important
task. I’m going to try to make up for
some of those times now. Of course,
there are the obvious reasons that anyone who knows John will know. It is funny to me to see the reaction on some
of my students’ faces when they meet John for the first time. Consistently their comments center on their
disbelief that he and I are married; we are so very different. I think that’s what makes it work so well for
us. While there are things which we
share with each other, we each have maintained interests other than those we
enjoy as a couple. I jokingly tell
people that my husband is a head-banger.
While that may be an extreme description, it is still applicable. My husband is a music lover. No, let me re-state that: my husband is a music fanatic! He keeps up with all the new bands, listens
to alternative stations on the radio, buys CDs of people I’ve never even heard
of. He goes to concerts that would leave
me with a definite hearing loss and a headache for days. Fortunately, he has a close friend who shares
his love of music . Thanks to him, John
has someone to go to concerts with and someone to discuss the new trends
with. His passion for music is one of the
reasons I love him. I’ve known about
this particular obsession since we met and it is one of the things about him
that makes him who he is.</div>
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Another reason I love my husband the way I do is his
generous spirit. This special part of
him sets him apart from everyone else.
He gives of himself in so many ways.
I think the most important to me,
though, is the way he gave himself completely to being a father to Erin. From the moment we found out she was on her way,
she was loved. Even though he already
suspected, he let me have my moment to tell him we were going to be
parents. Even though she was planned, I
was still a little surprised when it actually happened. He knew that I was overwhelmed and a little afraid. He never made me feel foolish for my fears
and anxieties. Looking back I’m sure he
had his own concerns yet he never let me see them. He was calm when I was crazy, strong when I
was scared. Then, as now, he put me
ahead of himself. His heart is always
with his family – our family. The look
on his face the moment Erin was born is one I’ll never forget. It was a look of unselfish love and devotion. There hasn’t been a moment since that her
welfare and happiness wasn’t his main priority.
Not once has he not put her
first, ahead of anything else he may have had going on. His love for and dedication to us speaks of
his selfless spirit. Even when he doesn’t
say it, we know we are loved. It’s there
in his eyes when he looks at us and in everything he does for us. </div>
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There are points in our lives that are with me now as
clearly as if they had just happened.
Those are the things I think about when I stop to think about how we got
to where we are. Each of those memories
considered separately is special in its own right. Considered as a whole, they define who we
are. Some of those memories are of big
occasions and events in our lives, while others are private, small moments
between the two of us. We are
disgustingly compatible. As different as
we are that compatibility hasn’t been that difficult to achieve. We simply allow each other to be who we were
before we were us. John is still the man
I dated, the man I fell in love with.
Why would I want him to be any different? </div>
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<br /></div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-88859269498859535242012-05-23T20:26:00.001-05:002012-05-23T20:26:41.312-05:00She Has Put Away Childish Things<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I did something really stupid today. I totally went off the reservation and ignored the plan. A student wanted to borrow a book I thought I had at school. When I couldn’t find it, I ran home during a break to look for it. Not finding the book on the shelves downstairs, I thought I’d look in some boxes of books in the attic on the off chance I had loaned it to Erin and she left it here. That’s when it happened.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now, I know that there are many of you who will think this is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard. But, some of you will feel my pain. I can just hear you now, screaming at me telepathically, “Don’t go up the stairs!” It was too soon. The plan was to wait until one day this summer when I was home all alone before I went up the stairs for the first time since Erin moved out. I was going to go through the attic and Erin’s room, cleaning as I went, and reminiscing all I wanted to. I’ve been bracing myself for the tears I know will follow but since I will be alone, I can cry all I want to with no one to see or criticize.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But, today, in my rush to find the book and get back to school, I forgot all that. I forgot the plan and barreled up the stairs as if there was nothing up there I didn’t want to face yet. The moment my foot hit that top stair I knew I had made a mistake. There it was, staring me in the face – proof that my baby doesn’t live with me anymore and she isn’t just away at school. She has really gathered up as much of her stuff as she could put in her car and moved away. While her room isn’t totally stripped, there is enough lonely space up there to make tears well up in my eyes. I forced myself to go on into the attic, look for the book, then to go back to school.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I think what I will think about more than anything else is not what she took, but what she left. There are still movies in her entertainment center. Her desk still holds pens, pencils, flash cards, and various odds and ends that ended up in the drawers. Her jewelry is gone. Her nightstand storage space is empty but for an empty Bath and Body Works bag. Her walls are bare but for her softball state championship picture and the bat with her name on it. There’s an alarm clock she got for high school graduation next to her bed. Her high school sports uniforms are in the closet along with various curlers and hair accessories. There are three dresses in the closet but the shoes are gone. In the attic is a box that she has labeled very carefully so that I don’t give the books inside away. Her toy closet is still pretty full and there are various piles of things all over the floor. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">All of these things represent who she was and don’t really fit with who she is. Her childhood and adolescence were left behind in various stages of disarray, carefully sifted through as she searched for the things she wanted to take. Before long I’ll make myself go back up there and finish what she started. I’ll go behind her and straighten up the rooms so they’ll be ready for her when she comes home to visit. I’ll clean up the attic and categorize things into piles to be carefully stored away in plastic boxes. It won’t take long before Erin’s childhood and adolescence will be stacked and labeled in a closet. Her chalkboard wall in the attic will be painted over. The fluorescent striped walls in her bedroom will be toned down a bit and the area upstairs will slowly but surely be transformed into guest space. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I think it’ll be interesting to see just how much of who she was shows up in her new home. The interior designer in her has pretty much a blank canvas to work with in their home in Wisconsin. Since last summer she and TJ have painted at least one bathroom in a color better suited to their tastes and she has ideas for the rest, I’m sure. But when I finally get to go visit, how much of my little girl will I see? Even as I write this, I am looking around my own living room trying to see anything of who I was when John and I married almost 25 years ago. Very, very little. The things that are precious to me now would probably surprise most people. My two most treasured possessions are a glass box shaped like a heart and a china Eeyore. John is responsible for the heart. He gave it to me not long into our relationship back in college. I still think about the way we were then every time I see it. The china Eeyore was a gift from Erin. Of all the residents of the Hundred Acre Woods, Eeyore is my favorite. I just seem to identify with the ever-present cloud and the equally often-misplaced tail. On one of her trips to Disney World that John and I didn’t accompany her, Erin remembered my love for Eeyore. I thought it was so sweet that she remembered a detail about me so small. He now sits on the desk in our office and I think of her and our shared love of all things Pooh every time I see it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Before she left, I made sure that Erin had at least one thing from home that I knew she wanted but would probably never ask for. I collected Santas. There is one that has sat in a corner of our home, all year round, for most of Erin’s life. She commented once that she would have to hunt for one to put in a corner of her new home. At first the idea of letting that particular Santa go was unthinkable. But, the more I thought about it, the more right it felt for that Santa to go with Erin. When she left I made sure she had it in the back seat of her car. As strange as it may seem, I feel as if she has taken some of our family traditions with her into her new life. With that Santa she also took a little piece of me with her. When she looks at it she will remember - and I hope the memories are all good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">To me the things she carried and the things she left behind tell their own stories. I will write those stories on my heart the next time I venture up the stairs to put away her things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> She has put away childish things. </span></div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-22079297496581656052012-04-06T19:48:00.000-05:002012-04-06T19:57:01.309-05:00And the countdown begins . . .Today is April 6, 2012. Exactly one year from today Erin will get married. Just 364 days and a few hours. Seems like such a long time, doesn't it? I'm sure it feels like a long time to Erin and TJ. It occurred to me yesterday the significance of today's date and all day I've been trying to pinpoint how I feel about it.<br />
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By this time next year all the little details will have been taken care of. Probably by this time of the evening the actual service will be over and the celebration will have begun. I hope it's a party to remember! I know that it will be a joyous time for John and me. I can only compare what we felt once the actual ceremony was over to what I image Erin and TJ will be feeling. I believe that the wedding's being in Birmingham will serve a particular purpose: the ceremony will be intimate and involve only those who truly wish to see Erin off into her marriage surrounded by people who love her. When she and I talked about how there will probably not be too many people attending, she made a point I hadn't considered. If there aren't that many people in attendance, she will be able to remember those who are. She'll have time to speak to each one so they'll know how much she appreciates their coming.<br />
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I've been looking all over the internet for an event countdown application I can put on my Facebook page. Now that we have exactly a year left to go, I thought that would be a neat thing to have. Then every time I log on I'll be able to see exactly how many days are left. I think that with every day that passes I will get more and more excited! <br />
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Erin has started her own countdown of sorts. Her last semester in Tuscaloosa is quickly drawing to a close. In a month she will move home for the last time. She'll spend a week or so with us getting ready for her move to Wisconsin. I'm not sure how I'll react when that day comes. TJ is coming down to drive back with her so we don't have to worry about her safety on the road. That's a very long way to have to drive alone. I'm sure that the drive will be memorable for the two of them. They'll literally be driving toward their future. When she and I talk about her move, I get the feeling she is trying very hard not to show how excited she really is...how anxious she is for this segment of her life to begin. I may be horribly wrong, but if I'm reading the situation correctly, I think she thinks that if she let's us see how jumping-up-and-down excited she is that she'll in some way hurt our feelings. That is so far from the truth of the situation. She doesn't have to hold back her excitement from us. We are as excited over her future as she is! Sure, we'll miss her the same as we did when she moved to Tuscaloosa. And I know that this move is of an entirely different nature. But she is so very, very happy and her excitement is contagious! I think the only thing that will really bother me is how far away she will be. For the past two years she has been only 3 to 4 hours away from home. A quick trip home for the weekend wasn't out of the question and (except for the price of gas) manageable. After the middle of May a trip home will involve some pre-planning and a plane ticket! I've already decided that I'm going to visit and have begun doing a little planning ahead for plane tickets. I don't see myself making a special trip this summer, though. Even though she spent last summer there, I think the two of them need this summer together without too many visitors. She'll be home again in July to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding so it won't really be that long after she moves that I'll get to see her. I don't know how long they'll be here (TJ is planning to make the trip with her), but I'll take what I can get! It really won't be any longer than I went without seeing her last summer. I think I will cope okay!<br />
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In conversations Erin and I have had since she came home last summer, I have become more and more aware of what her life in Wisconsin will be like. From a parental point of view I couldn't ask for better. She has made friends there and she and TJ have found a church where they feel they belong. She knows how demanding TJ's work schedule can be and how he isn't always in control of how his day will go. They have made plans that had to be cancelled because of something going on at the dairy. She just takes it in stride. After last summer she has insight into the life she will be leading and doesn't let things like that bother her. Even with her impatience to go back over this past school year, I have seen a different maturity in her. As much as she wanted to be with TJ, she has done what she needed to do in Tuscaloosa. Now that she is actually engaged she is even more anxious to finish what she needs to do here and move on to her life with TJ. I remember that feeling well...<br />
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Only 364 days and some odd hours left. You can be sure that I'll have a constant countdown in my heart to the day when she won't - officially - belong to us anymore. But now that I stop to think about it, she hasn't really been ours since her trip to San Diego. She went to visit a friend and came home with stars in her eyes. Since then the writing has been on the wall. She loves him. He loves her. They are each other's future. They see forever and the possibility of blessings to come when they look in each other's eyes. <br />
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I know that in 364 days and some odd hours what precedence I have had in her life will officially be over. Even though I get a funny feeling in my heart and my eyes well with tears when I think about it, I know that those are just simple emotional responses that every mother who has ever been through this has felt. I'm sure I'll be looking at family photos and crying a lot more before this weekend arrives next year. I hope that she knows that those tears, and those emotions, have nothing to do with being sad or unhappy. I am just overwhelmed that all of our dreams for her are actually coming true. I've seen her with TJ and can say with absolutely no reservations that I can see his love for her in his every move. I wonder if he knows just how precious he is to me simply by loving Erin as we have always wanted her to be loved? <br />
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TJ has his future well in hand and Erin is very much a part of those plans. Regardless of where their future takes them, Erin will be cherished by her husband. What more could any mother ask?Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-32833424290593074002012-03-27T17:40:00.001-05:002012-04-06T18:58:22.982-05:00Step One...<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This past weekend Erin came home for a little "family"
time with me and her dad. She and I had spoken earlier in the week about
what we might do. Erin suggested we go dress shopping. Not just any
dress, mind you. THE dress. The WEDDING dress. This isn't supposed
to be the first step on the wedding planner list, is it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It has been quite
a long time since I planned a wedding. Even then I didn't know what I was
doing. All I really cared about was that at the end of the process,
John and I were married. Erin is already much better at this than I ever
was. When it looked as if the time was approaching where some definite
plans must be made, Erin attacked that process as she does everything else...full
out. It is still about 54 weeks until her wedding and this is what she
has done so far: picked a date, picked a venue, picked bridesmaids, picked
colors. Now I am aware that most little girls have a vision in their
heads most of their lives about what they want our wedding to be.
Generally, that is just a basic idea of the church, flowers, colors, etc.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So, now what?
The venue. Erin and TJ's wedding will be at B and A Warehouse in
Birmingham. While that is quite a distance from home, it is still farther
away for TJ's family. When Erin started shopping for places, she sent me
pictures of several different places she was thinking about. Then she
took the next step and checked on open dates at the places she liked the most.
Her final decision was this place in Birmingham. I thought she was
jumping the gun on choosing a venue. I mean...it is more than a year
away! Boy, was I wrong. Several of the places she was considering
were already book for April and May in 2013. Dang! I guess I'm the
only one that thinks booking a venue a year in advance is too early! But
she is really happy with the place she has chosen and so am I. She knows
what she wants to do with the place and is on track with the wedding planner
who comes with the venue. Oh! I didn't mention a wedding planner
comes with the place? It does, thank God! Like I said, planning this kind
of thing isn't my talent. As competent and talented Erin is at this sort
of thing, I am a lot more relaxed about this whole deal knowing there is a
professional involved in the process. The room has exposed brick and
columns and the pictures I have seen of other weddings held there promise it
will be incredibly romantic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Next step?
Bridesmaids. Erin has that firmly in hand and has already spoken to
the girls she wants to stand up with her that day. Along with bridesmaids
come dresses, shoes, accessories, flowers, the whole deal. Erin and I
have talked about this a little but not that much. She has chosen a color
scheme and her next step is to try to pick a dress and accessories that will
suit all the girls she has asked to be bridesmaids. I've seen some pretty
ugly bridesmaids' dresses in my time and I'm glad Erin is taking this route.
She really wants all the girls standing with her on her wedding day to
feel beautiful. I'm not sure how she is going to find something to suit
all of them, but I'm sure she will work it out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Next?
Flowers. I'm really stumped here. I know that wedding flowers
come and go in trends. What is popular now won't be popular in six
months. Knowing Erin as I do, I'm pretty sure popularity and trends won't
really have a part in her decision. She has very classic, elegant tastes.
If she sticks to her own history, she'll pick something simple that serves
as a romantic backdrop for the wedding. I know that one thing she is
thinking about is carrying calla lilies. How much more simple and elegant
can you get? They are beautiful yet won't detract from her or the
bridesmaids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Music? She
and I talked a little. She doesn't like the traditional wedding march, so
I'm going to try to find some other alternatives for her to consider. She
has some ideas herself, so we're going to get together on this at some point
and try to put something together. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now the really big
decision: the dress. As I said in the beginning, Erin and I decided
to go dress shopping this past Saturday. We left early enough to have
plenty of time to look in as many stores as we possibly could. Neither of
us left home that morning thinking we would buy a dress. The goal was to
try on lots of dresses to get an idea of what is out there and what style she
thinks she might like. At the first two stores she tried on a total of
about ten dresses. She did try on one ball gown style just for me.
Thank you, Erin, for fulfilling my Cinderella dream! Anyway, she
didn't think that with her complexion she would look good in white so she
tended to choose ivory. She did try on a couple that were white, which
quickly killed the idea that she couldn't wear white! With every dress
she tried on, there was something she loved and something she didn't. On
one she liked the top. On the next, she liked the bottom but not the top.
With every dress she tried on, there was some little detail that just wasn’t
what she envisioned when she imagined her wedding dress. My job was to
help her get in and out of dresses that were more difficult to manage than
Chinese finger traps! Dang! What are these designers thinking?
One of the dresses had laces from the curve of her lower back all the way
up to Erin's neck! That takes some doing to get it laced up correctly!
She had I had quite a few giggles in the dressing room as we tried to
figure out just how to get in to some of those dresses. For every dress she
liked, I took pictures and made a note of designer and item number. The
plan was to take pictures of every dress she liked. Then, on our way
home, we would stop at Wal-Mart and have the pictures developed. That way
she could take the pictures of each dress and lay them all out next to each
other so she could have a better idea of what the dresses looked like on her.
This was supposed to make the decision easier for her in the long run.
What a waste of time!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">After we left the
second store, Erin and I were talking about the dresses she had tried on and
trying to re-focus on just what it was she was looking for. Her list?
Lace, trumpet bottom, pretty back, possibly a sweetheart neckline.
She had tried on several dresses with those elements but not one dress
had all of them in the combination she was looking for. I need to preface
this next part with a little explanation. Erin and I are absolutely
addicted to a show on TLC called<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>Say
Yes to the Dress</i>, especially the one filmed in Atlanta. Southern brides are
fun to watch! So, after Erin and I left the second store we were talking
about how the brides on that show experience THE moment. You know the
one. All the girls in the show may try on a dozen dresses, but she
invariably puts on one and knows - - - immediately - - - that she has found THE
dress. Somehow she just knows the one she has on is the dress meant for
her. Erin hadn't had that moment. Even though we knew our goal for
the day wasn't to buy a dress, I think we both really thought she would find
something she would like. Erin reminded me that one of the people working
at Kleinfeld's on the show, says that not every bride has that moment.
Some don't ever have it and just pick a dress. Even though I didn't
tell her, I really, really wanted her to have that moment. I wasn't too
worried, though, since we wouldn't really be pressured about having a dress for
about another six months. So, we went in to the third store with no
expectations. The lady who greeted us, and I use the term loosely, asked
what we wanted. Erin told her that we would like to look at bridal gowns.
That kind of made the sales lady a bit more amiable. I think she
had been having a really stressful day with teenagers looking for prom dresses.
Anyway, she asked Erin what she was looking for, then helped her pull
some dresses. After pulling several, Erin chose three to take into the
dressing room. I helped her in to the first dress then went out into the
room with the big mirror to wait for Erin. When she came out of
that room, I knew she had found it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The look on Erin's
face as she came out of that dressing room was the look I had been waiting for
all day. I could tell by the way she carried herself as well as the look
on her face as she looked at herself in the mirror that she was having THE
moment. She had found her dress. Now, don't get me wrong, I thought
Erin was beautiful in every dress she had tried on that day. She told me
later, that despite my efforts not to let my likes and dislikes affect her
choice, that she could tell which ones I liked and which ones I
didn't. But, really, seeing her in a wedding dress was so special for me.
She was beautiful in every single one of them. This dress was
different, In this dress she wasn't beautiful. She was
stunning! I've always thought Erin is beautiful, but in this dress she
truly was stunning. Even the saleslady started grinning when she saw Erin
in this dress. She turned around and picked up a veil so Erin could see
how the dress would look with a veil. Then, she went a step farther, and
added a small headpiece to give the veil just a little something extra.
What the saleslady added couldn't be any more "Erin." It was
perfect. I asked Erin simply what she thought. Her answer?
"Mom, this is my dress. This is it." She wouldn't
even try on the other two dresses in the dressing room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Before we left
that shop we did the only thing we really could do by that point. We
ordered the dress. I know that it is still a year before her wedding,
but I was afraid that if we waited the dress style would be discontinued and
she wouldn't be able to get it. The saleslady measured Erin and we
ordered the dress and a simple, unadorned, finger-tip length veil to go with it.
We brought the headpiece to go with it home. It now sits in my
cedar chest awaiting the day when Erin will put it on and march down the aisle
to TJ. I can't wait to see the look on his face! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I don't believe it
is possible for Erin to be any more breathtaking in another dress. She is
right. This is THE dress. The saleslady brought out a cutaway tux
jacket and suggested that tux style would really compliment Erin's dress.
I loved it and evidently Erin could, too. I said, "Erin, do
you know what your dress with that tux reminds me of?" I was about
to tell her when she answered, "Gatsby." She was right!
She got so excited! She told me later that she had been trying to
think of a way to explain her vision of her wedding to the wedding planner.
After finding her dress and seeing that cutaway tux with it, she can now
tell her wedding planner that her vision of her wedding is Gatsby. Vintage yet
elegant. Wow! Now she just needs to get TJ on board with the
cutaway tux idea! He hasn't been able to deny her anything yet, so I
don't really see the tux being the first. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I so want to post
a picture of Erin in this dress. But, she doesn't want TJ to see the
dress before she walks to him down the aisle. She wants the moment of
their eyes meeting and the memories that will give them both. So do I.
So I will abide by her wishes and not show this dress to anyone she
doesn't want to see it. That doesn't mean I won't carry a copy of the
picture with me so I can look at it and dream any time I like. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Erin, I have never
seen you so beautiful as you were Saturday afternoon in that dress. I
wish I could come up with a better word, but the only one I can think of is<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>stunning</i>. Thank you for
sharing that moment with me. I'll never forget it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Oh, one more thing, Erin. I didn't cry when we were shopping Saturday. I promised myself that I wouldn't embarrass you that way. I did pretty well, didn't I? I have to confess, though. That night, when there was no one to see, I cried. I don't think it will be the last time.</span></div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-13887921027729054022012-03-13T19:39:00.000-05:002014-04-13T13:49:08.927-05:00They're Going to the Chapel and They're....well, you know!I was looking back over my blog today and found this one under "Drafts." Why didn't I ever publish it? I'll never know, I'm sure. But, I really like it so can I just use it to celebrate their first anniversary? I promise I'll be a bit more prompt from draft to publication in the future if you'll let it go just this once.<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">It’s just one surreal jump in life after another around our house! We are officially getting ready to welcome a new member to our family…a son-in-law! That’s right! Erin’s engaged! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">How can she possibly be engaged? She’s only 3 years old, right? I realize this is so cliché, but here goes anyway…where DOES the time go? (The all caps is so you get the Southern mama emphasis in the right place.) I swear when I look in her face, my sweet cherub-faced baby looks back at me. Every single time. Now we’re talking about cakes, bridesmaids, and dresses. Sometimes I feel myself backing out of the situation and just watching myself from a distance. The whole thing is just so strange.</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">Before I really get into this, I guess I should be completely clear about one very important detail. Erin’s fiancé is Todd Jack Tuls. He comes from a good home with a solid family background. He has good old-fashioned Southern manners. He knows to stand when a lady enters the room. He doesn’t sit if a female in the room is standing regardless of how many empty chairs there are available. He is unfailingly polite. He is kind. He is considerate. He has a work ethic I never thought I would see again. He has goals. He has a future. I could go on and on, but I won’t. I think to sum it up best, I need to say that he is everything we have ever prayed for in the man in Erin’s life.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not long after Erin was born, my sister Donna made some comment about praying for not only Erin but also for the man Erin would marry. I thought that was a little peculiar, but it was Donna and we get our giggles from what we think is peculiar about the other. I just couldn’t help it, though. I had to ask. Why was she praying for a person whose entrance into our lives was so far in the future? Her answer was truly profound and based on unshakeable faith: somewhere out there, somewhere we probably knew nothing about, the man Erin would marry was being raised by a family we didn’t know. Donna prayed for his parents. She prayed that he would have a strong family structure with a secure home. She prayed for his safety. She prayed for his faith. For twenty years she prayed for a man we didn’t even know. This is not the first time Donna’s prayers have intervened on our behalf.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal">When we found out Erin was on the way, my sister – in her infinite wisdom – began praying quite diligently for our new baby to be a girl. Not just any kind of girl, mind you. A <i>GIRLY</i> girl! It didn’t take long for me to realize that God must like Donna more than me. We got what she prayed for. She will sell her soul for a flirty pair of four-inch heels. She is addicted to make up and loves purses. Afterwards, I think God took some pity on us and let Erin’s more practical side develop equally with her “girly” side. She can put together an outfit out of stuff I can’t imagine going together. She accessorizes as naturally as she breathes. She is tall, slender, and blonde. She has beautiful eyes and peaches and cream complexion. She has hair other girls have envied. I say all this to preface one other thing: she is a tomboy somewhere deep down inside. She has a fierce competitive side to her and hates to lose. She gets truly intense when competing. I used to sit in the bleachers at volleyball games and marvel at the things I would hear coming out of her mouth! She pushed everyone on her team as hard as she pushed herself and could not tolerate those who were not throwing themselves on the floor going after a ball she refused to let hit the floor. She spent summers running and working out. She spent every volleyball season with huge bruises on the inside of her right knee and sore spots on her hip bones from diving for the ball. For several years my car reeked of sliding pads and athletic shoes. Getting dirty playing the sport in season never bothered her. She would just pull that curly hair up into a knot on the top of her head so it would be out of her way, and threw herself into the game. I had the red clay stains from softball fields and equipment in my old car to prove it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, Donna’s prayers for our child were answered and so were ours. I am just now beginning to appreciate her prayers for Erin’s future husband. I think that God started listening to Donna from her first prayer for TJ – even though we didn’t know exactly who she was praying for – and began to pick out the person Donna prayed for. The more time I spend around TJ the more thankful I am for Donna’s prayers over the years.</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">So here we are planning for a wedding! I am so excited for the two of them I can barely stand it. He is so good to and for her. Her supports her in pursuit of her dreams and shares his dreams with her. I knew things were serious the first time she came home and talked about what they had done together the last time she visited with him in Wisconsin. (YES! Wisconsin!) Every time she talked about him, I could see the loneliness in her eyes. She missed him as if there were a part of herself missing. Every time she left him in Wisconsin or put him on a plane back home, she lost a bit more of her heart to him. Now her heart is more his than hers. Thank you, God, for TJ. Thank you for the home he was raised in and the values his parents passed on to him. Because of these things, once she moves to Wisconsin to be with him, I’ll know that someone who treasures her will be watching over her for us. He takes care of her and treats her as if she is some precious thing. For that I will always be thankful.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The wedding won’t be until April 2013. While that looks a very long time away on the calendar, I know just how quickly that time will pass. My job as Mother of the Bride is to make this time in her life something wonderful to look back on fondly. My job is to listen to what she wants and help her do that. She has already picked a venue in Birmingham. That isn’t exactly right out the back door, but I don’t care. She saw the place and fell in love with it. That’s enough for me. Her Daddy didn’t bat an eye. He told me to call her and tell her to book it. We knew it was coming and Erin and TJ didn’t want to leave picking out a place to the last minute. They were afraid what they wanted wouldn’t be available so we jumped the gun a little on wedding planning and got an early start.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">TJ proposed to Erin on her twentieth birthday. He met her at the airport in Milwaukee then turned her around and put her on a plane for California. He took her to Huntington Beach as a surprise for her birthday and proposed the next morning on the beach. There were flowers and tears involved in there somewhere and evidently it was history’s most perfect proposal. I know he put a great deal of thought into the planning so I’m glad it worked out the way he wanted. I know it is a memory that will be special for Erin for the rest of her life. John and I knew it was coming because TJ had called earlier in the week to ask John for permission to propose. Even though John was expecting the call, he told me later he got a little emotional in the course of the conversation with TJ. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now the peal of wedding bells sounds in my head all the time. Erin is picking bridesmaids and making plans. She is very creative and has a vision in her head of what she wants it to be like. I will do everything I can to make that day exactly what she has in mind. My job is to be in the background that day, making sure everything that happens has no other purpose than to make the both of them happy. This will be my last real, official “mama” job. I feel a weight on my shoulders to do this right. On the day she marries TJ, I don’t want her thinking about anything but seeing him waiting for her at the end of the aisle. I still remember seeing John’s face as the doors of the church opened on our wedding day. I was looking specifically for him and he was the only one that mattered. Everything and everyone else faded into the background. That’s what I want for Erin and TJ…the joy of looking into each others’ eyes on the day they are married and knowing….this is the person God meant for me. This person is my life. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p4r7SZHTpu4/T1_mksJ7CPI/AAAAAAAAAAg/PpzRrYGXRN4/s1600/Erin's+Ring+Closeup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p4r7SZHTpu4/T1_mksJ7CPI/AAAAAAAAAAg/PpzRrYGXRN4/s320/Erin's+Ring+Closeup.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>Congratulations, Erin and TJ. I love you both.</b></div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-82137852587648699542011-12-28T17:40:00.000-06:002011-12-28T17:40:42.577-06:00Just Another Auld Lang Syne<div class="MsoNormal">Another Christmas has come and gone. We just got home from Christmas with John’s family in Valley. He and I did what we have done every year on our way home from our last celebration: we shopped. This year, however, the season brings with it more than the usual bittersweet emotions. This is our last Christmas with Erin all to ourselves. I guess that isn’t exactly entirely true. We left Valley by 7:30 this morning to get to the airport in Atlanta in time to catch her flight to Milwaukee. TJ met her there. She has gone to spend some of her Christmas vacation with him and to attend his father’s New Year’s Eve wedding. By this time next year she will have moved to Wisconsin permanently. This spring will be her last semester at U of A before transferring. As I understand it, she will not be moving unless there is a real commitment between the two of them by the time she is expecting to move in May. Personally, I’m surprised she didn’t become engaged over Christmas, but then, TJ is a man of his own mind and I’m sure he has a plan. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This morning when we dropped Erin off at the Delta drop-off, I watched her walk away from us and it struck me just how confident a woman she is. Had I not known her, I would never have guessed that she is only 19. She looked like a worldly traveler, confident in her ability to go and do whatever she pleases as well as any obstacles that may get in her way. It was almost as if I was seeing her for the first time, only this time not as her mother. Pride swelled as I watched her walk away. It wasn’t until we actually drove away that I realized she really was doing exactly that. Today, she walked away and never looked back. She has taken control of her own destiny, made her plans, and forged ahead. If there is fear, I will never know. I’m sure that she will tell me some things, but surely not all. Her life is completely her own and there are things that she will experience, some good and some bad, that I will never hear about . At various points during the afternoon I found myself almost tearing up at the oddest times. It seems that after more than a year I would not get so lonely when she leaves, but I swear that it only gets worse. Every time she leaves, it is easier for her. How can I have such mixed feelings about this? My heart breaks a little every time she leaves, yet my pride in her ability to run toward her life is immeasurable. I’m pretty sure mine is the plight of most mothers everywhere. I so badly want to hold onto her, yet would never deny her the joy of what she is experiencing now. Her future is so full of promise. Unless I have misjudged the situation horribly, she has found the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with and he feels the same about her. She has decided on a major that will be challenging but makes her happy. It never occurred to me that the fulfillment of her dreams would take her so far away from home. I guess it all depends on your definition of <i>home</i>. I believe it was Robert Frost that said that home is the place that, when you go there, they have to let you in. True, but there is so much more to it. Home is the place where you go to find refuge, where there is someone who is willing to fight your fights for your or to just let you rant until you feel better. At home there is comfort, love, warmth, solace.</div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div><div class="MsoNormal">John and I talked about New Year’s Eve plans on our way home. This year, we will do what he and I have done since Erin became old enough to make her own plans. Before then, we watched the <i>Twilight Zone</i> marathon on Sci-Fi and occasionally played a board game while we watched. Once we found ourselves alone, John and I have been going to a movie then out to dinner. Afterwards we hit Krispy Kreme and head home. Not a very exciting New Year’s celebration, but we like it. This time of year it is traditional to look back on the year that is ending and make resolutions for the year to come. Today, I’ve been revisiting the past nineteen holiday seasons and have marveled at how quickly they have passed. It is hard to imagine what my holidays will be like in the future. My whole life Christmas has followed a pattern. This year that routine changed just slightly. Next year will bring more change. But no matter how I choose to see it, there are undeniable facts. The biggest milestones of my life have passed. I graduated from college, married the man of my dreams, raised my family. Now what? Grandchildren and retirement? Really? That’s all? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I refuse to believe that is all that I have left to look forward to. Surely my life from this point isn’t supposed to be based on my career ending and watching my child reach her milestones. With her building her life so far away, mine will definitely be different than before. I’m sure that I will share the high points in her life from a distance and over the phone. When that happens I am just as sure that not being able to be with her will break my heart, just as watching her walk away at the airport today did. Yet, beneath it all will be a fierce pride at her courage. In order to chase her dreams and live the life she wants for herself, she is stepping out on her own. Her dad and I will never be more than a phone call and short plane ride away. There is nothing here that could keep me from going to her wherever she is, whenever that may be. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">As the new year approaches I will do my best to keep from being saddened by all that has changed in my life over the past year. Rather, I will find joy in my life as it is now. Part of that joy will be watching my child find hers. Happy New Year, everyone. </div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-8474430904088040992011-12-07T19:01:00.000-06:002011-12-07T19:01:01.004-06:00Decisions, Decisions, Decisions<div class="MsoNormal">Not long ago John and I went to see a movie. Just the two of us. Erin was in Wisconsin and John and I decided to spend that rainy Sunday afternoon in Dothan at a movie. <i>The Debt</i> is about telling the truth. Ultimately, though, it is more about the lies. It isn’t the lies we tell the world that ultimately eats us alive – it’s the lies we tell ourselves. Those lies define us – make us the people we turn out to be. We lie to ourselves every time we settle for less than what we wanted. We tell ourselves we’re happy. We tell ourselves our lives are the way we always hoped they would be. We tell ourselves that all the little compromises we have made along the way don’t amount to anything. What we don’t tell ourselves is that what we really are is cowards.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We are afraid to take what we want from life – maybe out of fear that we will hurt those with whom we share our lives. But if those people love us as they say they do, don’t they want us to have the life we want? Aren’t they willing to love us enough to help us pursue our dreams? Are we courageous enough to let them? Or, in chasing what we really want, are we afraid to risk those things we have simply settled for? Those things, those compromises, define our comfort zone. Many of those choices have little to do with how we see ourselves and more to do with how those who love us want us to see ourselves. Why?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Are they afraid that in the choice we will fall? Or are they more afraid that the choice is really just running away from them? Is that what it is? Really? My mother has often said that she had always believed that of her two children I would be the one to get as far away from Kinston as I could the first chance I got. Why didn’t I? Fear? I don’t know. It would be easy to say that the pieces of my life just fell into place to work out this way. But since I’m talking about honesty, I can’t really claim that is true. I am where I am because of the choices I have made. I went away to college but was so unhappy that I moved myself to a school closer home. I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to major in, so I just took my transcript to my advisor and asked her to look at it and tell me what degree I could get with what I had in the time I had left. I took a job as a secretary because it is nigh impossible to find a teaching job in November…when I graduated. I took my first teaching job at a private school because I felt I really should be using my degree even though the secretarial job paid more. I actively pursued a job in a public school because there is no way John and I could have the life we wanted with my job paying the little that it did. So, many years later, here I am.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There’s a country song that says something about “the crooked road that took me straight to you.” Please forgive me if I have misquoted, but you get the idea. My life has been a series of seemingly unexplainable, unrelated twists and turns. I talk to my students all the time about getting out into the world. I encourage them to explore options that will take them outside their comfort zones. I probably did my best job with that particular goal with my own child. Once Erin spread her wings she soared. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So what lies am I telling myself now? Probably the biggest one is that I’m happy that Erin is moving on with her life. That one is a whopper! Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for her. She is making her own decisions, fearlessly, and making her life what she wants it to be. I just feel as if when this school year is over and she moves to Wisconsin, as she is actively planning to do, that I will be terribly lonely for her. Things will never be the same. I’ve talked a lot about easing into this natural separation progression and how that is making the whole process easier. It has, really, it just can’t do anything to make me happy about it. Someone told me once that from the moment your children are born they begin their journey away from you. It’s natural. It’s the way things are meant to be. It’s only right. Maybe what gets me about this is that my choice hasn’t come into play. My choice for her life isn’t one she took. She listened to our advice and considered what we wanted for her and then took the route she wanted to take. Do I think the choice she has made is the wrong one? I don’t think so. Should things not work out the way she has planned, the potential consequences are vast. But, then, that’s where my past choices come into play. Should her plans not come together the way she sees them doing so, the culmination of my choices will put me where I need to be . . . right here if she needs me. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Have I lied to myself in the past and told myself that I’m happy when I’m really not? Sure! Who hasn’t? I like to think that I have a realistic approach to the whole “happiness” concept. I read an article yesterday that said that the couples who are happiest together over the long term are those who do not insist that every problem be solved or every argument reach an amicable settlement. The couples who persevere and grow old together are willing to accept that only 68% of the disagreements they have over the course of their marriage will actually be resolved to mutual satisfaction. It seems to me that those couples have simply agreed to disagree. They have agreed to be happy. They have made their choices along the way and then <i>chosen</i> to be happy.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the movie that we went to see, the lie the characters live has much more serious implications. In my little corner of our existence I will continue to make choices with a conscious effort to be honest with myself about what I want. I will take the opinions of those I love into account and then look into my heart and make a choice. I’m sure there will be times that some of those choices will turn out not to be the best thing I could have done. It won’t be the first time, nor will it be the last. At this point in my life I think the most important thing to remember is that my opinions about what Erin should do to be happy are just that….opinions. I want her to look into her heart and make a conscious choice to be happy. There may be consequences and / or ramifications, but I believe that if she is honest with herself and chooses what she truly believes will make her happy, that those consequences will be few and less severe than if she lives her life by others’ choices for her and then lies to herself…telling herself that she is happy. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Her not being close by will not make me happy. Seeing the joy on her face and hearing it in her voice will. And that is not a lie.</div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-13229623722922020112011-09-28T21:32:00.001-05:002011-09-29T13:47:02.121-05:00Who's Afraid?For the past week or so I've been preoccupied with the concept of fear. Why isn't a question I'd like to answer right now . . . or maybe ever. Let's just take it as a given that I've been thinking about fear quite a lot lately. I don't think I've ever really considered myself to be a fearful person. Oh, sure, there is the occasional physical reaction when I see a snake, but that doesn't really count. What I'm talking about is true fear - the kind that wakes you in the middle of the night. The kind of fear that haunts you in your dreams and leaves you struggling to wake up. I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately and how, if allowed to grow, fear can overcome your life. It can suck the life out of your days and paralyze you. <br />
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I'm sure that we all have things that we are afraid of. At some point in our lives we all have been afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of failure. These are fears that can be overcome. Once you recognize your fear and can face the cause, common sense can explain away the shadows. I can remember a time when being alone in my house at night was enough to make me lock all the doors and listen for any small sound that might indicate all was not right in the night. Now, I can sit here on cool fall evenings, alone in my home with the windows open, without worrying about what's "out there." When Erin was very small, for some reason she convinced herself that there were bears in our yard at night. Every night before going to bed we would have to reassure her that Daddy Paul had killed all the bears that day. That simple assurance that a grown up was in control of the night and could banish those things you were afraid of was all she needed to feel secure in her world. If only there was someone to assure us in a way that could banish adult fears.<br />
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So what kinds of things am I afraid of? I'm afraid of being alone. I've just had a birthday. As I grow older I think more and more of what my future might bring. Let's face it. The women in my family live incredibly long lives! There is a very distinct possibility that I will live out the last years of my life without John. The thought of being without him makes me truly afraid. I know that as long as I have family I will never be truly alone, but being without the other half of myself is truly frightening. I have now lived with him more years than I have lived without him. We function as a team - a single entity sometimes. I like it like that.<br />
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Erin's future is more and more surely developing far away from us. Somehow being without her does make me feel alone, but not especially lonely. When I am lonely for her all I have to do is talk to her and everything is better. I think that God structured the parent / child relationship with a type of buffer that kicks in as the child becomes an adult. That separation is a natural one. It is a parting that one spends the better part of parenthood preparing for. Letting her go has not been easy and there are still times when there is a very empty space in my home where Erin's presence used to be. It wasn't until just recently that I noticed that my sister, my mother, and I have quit referring to the blue bedroom at my mother's house as "Sonya's room." Strange, huh? I haven't lived in that room for twenty-four years but I have always still thought of it as my room. I think I will always think of the room upstairs here as Erin's room - even when I paint over the fuchsia, aqua, and orange striped walls. <br />
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The fear that I've been obsessed with lately is one that will either go away on its own or I will have to face it. Having it go away on its own is my preferred method of getting rid of it, but I'll face it if I have to. Until that time comes I'm sure I'll spend my time worrying it over and over in my mind trying to find a way around it. Being afraid makes me feel vulnerable. I hate that feeling. It makes me angry. Maybe that's the best way to overcome this particular fear. Get angry. Get very angry. Sounds like a plan to me.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-16462233741166373212011-07-28T21:15:00.001-05:002011-08-01T16:38:55.207-05:00Charmed, I'm Sure!<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Anyone who knows me at all knows that I love to read. My guilty secret is that although I love to read it isn’t always what people expect me to read. My leisure reading list very rarely includes classics or anything on anything resembling a suggested reading list. I certainly don't read anything I have to analyze or think about! This summer I found a series of novels that sparked an idea. The series revolves around a charm bracelet. Each of the protagonists ends up with this bracelet and the story involves the charm specific to that character. As I read I couldn’t help but be drawn into the symbolism of each of the charms. I guess that also isn’t news to those of you who know me: I look for symbolism everywhere and am hardly ever disappointed. That got me to thinking that charm bracelets used to be very popular. Erin has one that my mother gave her and added charms to it occasionally to mark special occasions or memories shared by the two of them. A truly traditional charm bracelet can be read as easily as a published chronicle of a person’s life. Each of the trinkets attached to the chain represents a very particular event or memory – something the person who owns the bracelet wants to insure is never forgotten. So, if I had such a charm bracelet, what would be on it? If you unlatched it and stretched it out in front of you on a table, what stories of my life would be told in its charms? Bear with me, but I think I’d like to, figuratively, add charms to that chain.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Logically the charms on a bracelet should be arranged chronologically – at least that appeals to that very small OCD element in me. So, that means that I should start at the beginning: my birthday. That charm is actually very easy. The actual shape of the charm isn’t really that important as long as it includes a blue sapphire which is my birthstone. The second, I believe, should be a tree. You know, one of those which everyone recognizes in illustrations as a family tree - a large, spreading, strong oak – as well as a bow to represent the ties that bind. I was in a play in college and the theme of the work was family and the ties that bind. In the play those ties are represented by the hymn “Blessed Be the Ties That Bind.” Maybe I should include a music note instead of the bow. What do you think?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The largest portion of my childhood revolved around school, so the third charm would have to be a symbol of that. Therefore, the third charm would be my school mascot – a bulldog. You know, looking back on this list I realize it is a bit sad! Here I am all the way through high school and I only have three charms! Was my life really that limited? Maybe I should add a sprig of ivy. According to my symbolism dictionary (yes, I have a symbolism dictionary!), combined with a productive Google search, ivy has a propensity to interweave in growth. Ever furrowing and intertwining, ivy is an example of the twists and turns our friendships often take - but it is also a testimony to the long-lasting connections and bonds we form with our friends over the years. I like to think that ivy would be an appropriate charm for the friendships I made in school and the influence of those friendships on the person I have become. That works for me. The next charm will definitely be ivy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The four years of my life after high school were rather unsettled. Not in a bad way, really, but still not exactly what anyone with any sense would call years that followed any kind of plan. I took a couple of classes at a junior college while I was still in high school yet attended a different one after high school. I left there and went to the University of Montevallo but only for one semester before transferring myself to Troy. I think the appropriate charm for these years should be a question mark indicating my indecision. I never really formulated a plan for myself. Somehow it just all seemed to have worked out for the best! This is not a path I encourage others to take. Working without a plan doesn’t always work out well. To proceed with chaos produces chaos as a result. Oh! That’s an idea! Isn’t there actually a symbol for chaos? I’ll have to check that out.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I don’t think it would be fair not to include some kind of symbol for the friends I made in college. These are the people with whom I feel an interesting connection. These are the people that knew me “when.” To represent these special people and my personal growth as a result of our friendships, I would include a robin. The robin represents growth in all areas of a person’s life as well as rebirth of the human spirit. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Closer to the end than the middle of the college education process I met John. I’ve thought about lots of different charms I could use for the beginning of our relationship but have decided that the best representation of our relationship is a simple wedding band. Our relationship is as precious as the metal and as endless as the circular shape. In addition to a wedding ring, I'd like to add a sarus crane. These cranes are known for their heartiness and ability to endure seasons of hardship. In India sarus cranes represent a happy marriage because after a long, intricate courtship, they mate for life. Interestingly enough, their courtship involves a dance, a waltz if you will. They return to the same breeding grounds year after year to build their nest, incubate, and nurture their young - together. They have an equal partnership in their "marriage." What better example for a loving marriage?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The next milestone of my life would be Erin. I think for her I would choose a simple aquamarine followed by other charms for our life with her: a volleyball, a softball, a mortar board, a bear, Mickey Mouse ears, and a bunny. At least a few of those are self-explanatory but I probably need to explain a couple of the others. We moved to Kinston when Erin was two. Her bedroom was on one end of our trailer and one wall was taken up almost completely by a large bay window. For reasons I will never understand, Erin had convinced herself that there were bears around our trailer. Many, many nights before she would go to bed, she would ask me if Daddy Paul had killed all the bears. She would go to the window and peek out the curtains to see if she saw any he may have missed. Although she never claimed to have seen any bears, she still seemed to need to be assured that Daddy Paul had, in fact, killed all the bears in the area at some point during the day that day. I’d love to ask her about that, but I doubt she would even remember what started all that. One day she simply quit asking. Maybe she decided that all the bears were finally gone.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Another I need to explain is a story I’ve never told anyone as far as I can remember. I certainly don’t remember ever having told Erin. When I want my students to do something quickly, I’ll tell them to be “quick like bunnies!” I’ve been saying that for years now and for some reason they all find that very funny. But the reason I think I should include a bunny charm is because of Erin. When she was not much more than a toddler, I was trying to get her to hurry doing something. I wish now I could remember what that was because it would surely make this story better. Oh, well. Anyway, after my having told her to hurry several times I decided to change my tactic. Instead of telling Erin to hurry, I told her to be quick. She turned, looked at me, and said, “Like a bunny?” I said, “Yes, Erin. Quick like a bunny!” They must have been talking about bunnies at daycare because she wasn’t interested in picking up the pace to “hurry,” but had no trouble picking up the pace to be “quick like a bunny”! So, yes, I must have a bunny. Erin, if you are reading this, I can’t believe I never took the time to tell you that story. I thought about it a couple of times, but thought you might be embarrassed when I actually said it in class. I realize that embarrassing you by telling “Erin Stories” never stopped me before, but that particular memory was just too sweet to share.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I think the last charm I have to add would be an empty bird nest. Now that Erin is in college, John and I are your typical “Empty Nesters.” Our baby has flown and we are now on our own. That’s okay. There’s still space on this bracelet of mine to add charms for the memories John and I will make. I’m sure that one day I will add something for Erin’s wedding, my and John’s special anniversaries, family trips. Who knows? The potential represented by that empty space is limitless! It is ripe with possibility. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I realize that this whole thought process has been a bit cheesy, but who cares? I warned from the very beginning that the purpose of my blog was to help me process my own thoughts and not to entertain or educate anyone else. Writing it all out this way helps me to organize my thoughts and memories in a way that is meaningful to me. It helps to see it divided into neat paragraphs. Our lives are made up of a series of choices and the often unpredictable branch events of those choices. Wouldn’t it be nice if everything in life could be so easily managed? Just think…lay out a blank chain and pick from a wide variety of charms the experiences and memories you want to have in your life. All you have to do is choose and organize them any way you want. But then, really, don’t we all do that anyway? </span></div>Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-56041694323223355712011-06-21T21:39:00.001-05:002011-07-28T18:57:14.806-05:00I've Been Touched!Today I met a friend for lunch. She and I used to work together and hit it off big time! We have children who are the same age who also became friends. As I was driving to Dothan to share good food and better conversation, it occurred to me that she is one of those who have entered my life for a relatively short amount of time but whose footsteps echo from time to time in a very pleasant way.<br />
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All of us have people who drift in and out of our lives. Some, thankfully, for a <em>very</em> short time! To amuse myself on the drive over, I began to run through a list in my head of those who, at one time or another, have played a role in my life. I didn't think I should count family members, because we all have those, but then I re-thought that decision. Don't our family members define who we are, or at least who we see ourselves as? So, in keeping with the spirit of the list concept, I decided to start with family members. <br />
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Probably the two family members who have had the most influence on how I see myself are my maternal grandparents. I'm not the first grandchild, nor was I the last. I fell toward the middle. If there is truly such a thing as Middle Child Syndrome, then there must certainly be Middle <em>Grandchild</em> Syndrome! If being a middle grandchild doesn't label one as "been there done that," then my other deficiency did: I am not a boy. Boy grandchildren in my family, both sides I believe, are venerated. They do no wrong and must suffer from nosebleeds from the height of their individual pedestals. That didn't really occur to me until I was an adult and began to step back to consider family dynamics. It doesn't keep me from loving my boy cousins, it just sheds a new light on things. My grandmother, Mama Martin, probably had more to do with defining how I see myself than any other family member other than my own mother. We are truly a matriarchal powerhouse! The women in my family rock! My Mama Martin does not suffer fools lightly and did not tolerate foolishness from me, either! My most cherished memories are the days when I would be at her house and it would be just the two of us. It didn't matter if the only reason I was there in the first place was to help with some task or just to visit, she talked to me. I don't mean that she and I swapped words, I mean she <em>talked</em> to me. Without ever actually saying the words specifically, she told me that she expected me to achieve, that to do less than my best would result in her disappointment, that developing a life for myself wasn't just expected - it was required. I understood that to fail should be looked upon as a learning experience as long as I had given the task my full effort. But, I think the best of all the times I spent with her my favorite are those times when I got a glimpse of the woman she is - not just the grandmother she is. She remembered to call me when she made tomato gravy for supper (my absolute favorite with her biscuits) and made extra so I could eat with them. My favorite desert is peanut butter cream pie, but not the one most people think of. This one is homemade custard with peanut butter mixed with confectioner's sugar on the crust before pouring the hot custard on top, topped with meringue sprinkled with more of the peanut butter mixture. I ramble but with a purpose. My grandmother would make a pie for me and then call me and give me the whole thing. She missed very few birthdays without making one of those pies for me and letting me have it all by myself. She knew that I love divinity but not the way most people like it. I don't like it once it has set up. I like it hot and glossy. Every Southern woman knows divinity won't make if the humidity is too high: those are the days she and I would make divinity. We wouldn't make a full batch, just enough to either stand at the stove and eat with a spoon or to take out (still in the boiler) and eat with a spoon as we sat in the swing. <br />
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The second most influential person who is a family member was my maternal grandfather. I'm not so sure this is because he spent time with me the way my grandmother did, or just because everyone in my family respected his opinions. We were always afraid that when he died our family would fragment, as he was the lynch pin which held us together. Unfortunately, that has proven to be true as our family isn't as close as we once were. Possibly this fragmentation is a natural progression as the grandchildren grew up, grew apart, and grew away. We have families of our own now and our own lives to lead. We don't follow our parents to our grandparents' home for gatherings anymore. Although Daddy Paul was a source of fun while I was growing up, I think his influence actually came after I married. Once we moved to the barn, I saw him every single day. I would like to think that I was what drew him up the dirt road, but I know better. He and Erin thought the day could not end without seeing each other. As little as she was when we moved to Kinston, I believe that those memories are precious to her, too.<br />
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The first two were family members who have run their course as influences. My Daddy Paul died when Erin was 5 and my Mama Martin is into her 90s now. I don't feel that we'll have her much longer. She is tired and misses the days when she could work circles around everyone else in the family (and that wasn't that long ago.) The others who came to mind during my drive to lunch today were not those with whom I have had long-term relationships. Please forgive me if I do not use their names as I would not want to make them uncomfortable in any way and you probably wouldn't know them anyway!<br />
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I have a friend from high school that wasn't truly a friend until we went to college. Occasionally she drifts back in at the oddest times and always when I've been thinking about her. The rumor mill says she is going through some difficult times right now and I hope that if she thinks there is anything I can do for her, she will call. Another is also a friend from high school but one with whom I've made sure to keep in touch since high school. Our lives have taken such different directions and yet when we get together it is as if we have never been apart. <em> </em>Then there is the first friend I made when I moved away to college. She never judged me for my homesickness and allowed me to camp out on her top bunk until we were both giggling uncontrollably. I haven't seen her since she moved out of state, but her Christmas letters are the highlight of my holiday every year. If I don't get one, I email her to encourage her to get with the program! Those three women, at different points in my life, have wandered in and out giving my life a boost when it needed it. One of these friends, hopefully, will be coming soon to spend an all-girls weekend! I can't wait! Watch out world, you ears are gonna burn that weekend!<br />
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After college different types of people wandered in and out of my life. I learned what "work friends" are and how some of those turn in to real friends. Some of my first work friends still show up from time to time. I'll run into them while out to dinner or shopping and we take time to catch up on each other's families. I always leave those chance meetings with a good feeling. <br />
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My daughter's friends must also be counted among those who have drifted in and out of my life. At various times in our family life, depending on stage of development or sport season, different children were almost as much a member of my family as my own child. While these children are not around anymore, I will always be interested in their welfare and their lives. <br />
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That brings me full circle back to the friend with whom I had lunch today. Before we realized it, we had monopolized a table at Olive Garden for approximately two-and-a-half hours. The only thing I regret is the poor waitress who missed out on tips because we refused to leave. Even so, I felt that we were only just getting into our conversation when it was time to go home. We have promised to try to do it again before we both go back to our jobs in August and I really hope we keep that promise. While we both have lives of our own, our friendship has a life of its own. In order for it to thrive, we must nurture it. Thank you, Lisa, for letting a lonesome mother rant about how much she misses her only child. Thank you for making me feel as if my separation anxiety won't be fatal and will gradually, oh so gradually, settle into dull ache followed by renewal of my own life separate from that of my child. Thanks for the stories of your vacations with your husband that came to mind while we were talking today. It was a gentle reminder that now is a really, really good time to focus my attention on my marriage, that now I get to be a wife, not a wife AND mother. Because of the key times you wander back into my life and I into yours, tonight I'm back on a more even keel. Thank you.<br />
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There are four people who are glaringly absent from this list. That is simply because those people - John, Erin, Mother, and Donna - are constants in my life. They neither come nor go. They simply are. They serve as my lodestone and keep my compass true. Without them I cannot be who I am, or at least who I believe myself to be. Each day they serve as reminders of the lessons I learned from all the others. They keep me true to my beliefs about what constitutes value in a person's life. Because of this, my love for them is not constant. Nothing that grows as much as my love for them does each and every day of my life can possibly be viewed as something as lifeless and unchanging as a constant.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-23025772713393301352011-06-15T01:10:00.001-05:002011-07-28T18:59:03.043-05:00Summer...really?I don't know of a kid alive who doesn't live in breathless anticipation throughout the entire school year for summer. Visions of lazy days, swimming pools, watermelon, mindless TV...what could possibly be better? Summers when I was growing up fell into a type of routine. My sister babysat during the summers to make extra money, so I don't remember very many summers without "extras" in the house. My goal every day of the summer was to sleep as late as I possibly could each and every day. I think the goal of the kids my sister babysat were to do whatever they could do to keep me from realizing my goal. We had a window air conditioner in the living room, one in my sister's room, and another in my mother's room. They were not, under any circumstances, to be turned on without express permission of the management....Mama. We ran the air conditioner when we were hosting overnight guests (not my or Donna's friends..usually family from out of town). I can remember being uncomfortable and making up excuses to go to my grandmother's where there was air conditioning every day, but I don't remember ever being miserable in the heat. Of course, my mother's house had trees that shaded the house. Also, she had a good old-fashioned window fan in her room. At night we would close all the windows in the house except the ones in my and my sister's bedrooms and mother would turn on the window fan. The result would be the equivalent of sleeping in a wind tunnel! It is from that particular experience that I truly understand the concept of a "soft summer night." Once I moved away to college and could run the air conditioning in my dorm room as much as I liked, I adjusted to sleeping in a meat locker!<br />
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<div></div>My first transition in my summer schedule didn't actually occur until after I got married. I wasn't teaching yet so I still didn't get that summer off from work. The first summer we were married, however, I was working at a radio station in Enterprise. I spent that summer being incredibly envious of those still living the college kid summer life. John was really laid back about "housewife responsibilities," so that first summer transition was actually pretty easy. We grilled a lot, went to the beach for the day, learned how to live with another person in our summer space.<br />
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<div></div>As an adult I find myself looking back quite fondly on the summers of my youth. Man, I sound old, don't I? At this point I feel that I really need to give credit where credit is due. I grew up with a childhood that I didn't realize that many are not privileged to have. My mother made sure that we went on a family vacation every single summer. We cut corners all year to get to go away for a week in the summer. I'm sure not every vacation was exactly a week....but that's the closest estimate I can make looking back now. Those trips always followed a pattern: I filled the back seat with books and pillows while Mother and Donna made their home in the front seat. They woke me up when we reached our destination and I asked to stop only when I needed a rest area or food. I don't think the two of them every really understood that for me it was never - ever - going to be the trip. For me, it's the destination! I like <em>being</em> somewhere new, <em>not</em> necessarily <em>getting </em>there! I remember quite distinctly being awakened from a perfectly good car nap to look at corn fields in Iowa. I didn't understand why they felt the need to wake me up to see something I spent several days in as we filled our freezer in the summer! A corn field, is a corn field, is a corn field, is a ....you get the idea. But, regardless of whatever we had weathered the previous year, each summer brought that vacation and all three of us looked forward to it all year! Memories of those vacations still come to me quite often. I believe that they defined my relationship with my mother and sister. It was during those long car rides and stopping at every corny tourist trap along the way that we laughed the hardest, talked the longest, and bonded the tightest. I wouldn't give that up for anything.<br />
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<div></div>My husband and I have been very fortunate that we have been able to carry on that ritual with Erin. I can't tell you what our first family vacation was, but we have traveled with her since we first learned how much stuff we could cram into the back of our Explorer. I'm still amazed how much stuff a baby requires for a simple weekend away! We have even been fortunate to have traveled with my mother and sister, specifically to Alaska and Hawaii on cruises. Erin has even been to China with my mother! I think I can fairly say that she is one of the most traveled women of her age in this area!<br />
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<div></div>Last summer was another transition summer for me. Erin graduated from high school and worked for the summer. While she was still living at home, I spent my days alone. It was certainly different from our summer days the rest of her life. Until then she and I had lazed away our days sleeping late, watching TV, and pretty much seeing how little activity we could get away with! Now, I'm glad I had that transition last summer, because this summer is a whole new ballgame.<br />
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<div></div>This summer is another transition and it has been especially difficult. Just like last summer, Erin has a job so she isn't home during the day. The difference this year is that while Erin has a job, it is in Wisconsin! She doesn't come home nights. We don't talk about her day over dinner every night. Her friends aren't here at night raiding my kitchen and watching TV. This summer our conversations are via text. I'm getting faster! I've also decided that I like texting, because if I'm interrupting whatever she has going on, she can answer me later. There are details about her days that I find out from others who have talked with her or texted her. Friends I've spoken with about this don't seem to understand why this summer is any different than the past school year when she was in Tuscaloosa. It is different - very different. In Tuscaloosa Erin could jump in her car at the end of her last class and come home. I think the longest we went without seeing her this last school year was three weeks. To date she has been gone for right at four weeks with no visit in sight. I try not to pressure her about coming home because I know it isn't as easy as it was. A visit home involves either a very expensive plane ticket or a very expensive gas bill to drive. I miss her, but she knows that. She misses us, too, but this is an incredible experience for her. I think that the time she spends in Wisconsin this summer will have a direct influence on the rest of her life one way or another. I think that the funniest thing about the whole situation is that, as strange as it may seem, she is actually getting to know me better. I spoke with her today just before some company who were coming to visit arrived. She had earlier had an unfortunate disagreement with her mop and I had called to let her actually tell me the story rather than trying to explain it through a text. Maybe I can better explain what I mean by giving examples of some of the lessons she has learned this summer:<br />
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<div></div><ol><li>Regardless of all previous opinions, it <em><u>is</u></em> important to clean before company arrives even if you just cleaned the day before.</li>
<li>As soon as the kitchen floor dries, someone with mud on his shoes will <em>need</em> to come through.</li>
<li>No matter how many times you unload them, dishwashers need constant attention.</li>
<li>One can survive on Ramen noodles and Alfredo sauce.</li>
<li>Eating out isn't as important as making a house payment.</li>
<li>Dirty clothes breed dirty clothes; laundry is a constant.</li>
<li>One can survive without Internet or television.</li>
<li>Someone in the house needs to know how to cook something besides Ramen noodles.</li>
<li>You can only eat cereal for so many meals before there is a mutiny.</li>
<li>Buying groceries can be a traumatic financial event.</li>
<li>Ignoring the dust on empty pantry shelves won't make food "magically" appear.</li>
<li>You have to tell the people at the post office you have moved in. The mailman won't just suddenly notice lights in the house and arrange for all your mail to arrive at your door.</li>
<li>Having money in a remote bank where you are unable to access it does mean you are poor. No money is no money. The bills won't wait until you get your banking situation resolved.</li>
<li>Your boyfriend's family's approval makes life so much easier.</li>
<li>Anyone who can read can cook. </li>
<li>Calling your mother for advice, recipes, or even a laugh doesn't indicate weakness or failure.</li>
<li>You are never, ever too old for a Care Package.</li>
</ol>Looking back over the list of lessons she has already learned this summer, I can't wait to see what comes next! She is making sandwiches, serving coffee, selling snacks to construction workers this summer. She has learned more economics from this experience than she ever will in a classroom. Right now there is only a small crew on site. They are expecting about another 150 workers to come in next week weather permitting. I do believe her little business will experience a surge next week! What Erin is learning this summer is a set of true "life lessons." Those are the lessons you can be told about but you'll never really learn them until you attempt to put them into practice. I think that's how I'll think of this summer...practice. She's finding out what it means to be very far away from your safety net. She's finding out what being responsible for yourself really means. She's finding out that all the times I lectured her on neatness, cleanliness, etc., I really did know what I was talking about. Hopefully, above and beyond all else, I hope she realizes that no matter how far away she goes there are people here who love her, who want her to be happy, who want her to be successful. This summer is just one more stop on that wild ride that is living an independent life. <br />
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We, as her parents, have always believed it to be very important that she be independent - that she be confident in her own abilities to take care of herself away from us. She is trying to find out if the life she can make for herself in Wisconsin is one in which she will be truly happy. She is spending time with TJ to see if being with him on a day-to-day basis is what she thought it would be and if she can see herself there in the future. She has learned her lessons well and we couldn't be more proud. What that means to me personally, is that I must, out of necessity, spend my summer in yet another transition - teaching myself how to be alone. I have to learn that having her become everything we knew she could be isn't a bad thing just because she is becoming that person so far away. Our dream for her has always been to go to college, experience college life to the fullest, make life-long friends, <em>then,</em> after she graduates from college, go out into the world and begin her life. I keep having to remind myself that is my dream for her, not necessarily hers for herself. Her first year in college wasn't the experience I wanted it to be, but I think it was the experience <em>she</em> wanted it to be. She has made new friends and developed some old ones. She is happier now with her life than I have seen her be for quite a while. What more could a parent ask than that a child be secure and happy?<br />
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Just one last thing I truly want Erin to stop to consider...mild temperatures during the summer in Wisconsin turn in to brutal temperatures in the winter! But, then, what better excuse to visit?!Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-56724769558451025252011-05-02T10:46:00.002-05:002011-07-28T19:04:22.006-05:00I'm just blown away...Last week saw a disaster in my home state that one Facebook poster called "a disaster of Old Testament proportions." Friends are blogging about their experiences worrying about family members in harm's way. I think I'll start this blog with my comment on one such blog:<br />
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<em>"I was sitting at home watching the Weather Channel thinking about my child just as you were thinking about your sister. Erin did get a call in to me as they evacuated the airport in Birmingham where she was waiting to take off. I could hear the fear in her voice as men yelled in the background to get down. Our connection ended. The reporter being interviewed on the Weather Channel was in Birmingham. The tornado appeared over his shoulder just as he was showing the audience the "trash" that was raining down from the sky...debris from the tornado in Tuscaloosa. It was a very large piece of glass and a piece of a cinder block. I watched the tornado hit Birmingham. No calls got through to Erin. The announcer on the Weather Channel said, "There goes the airport." How did I feel? Numb. What was going through my mind? Dear, God, no. Not my baby. Not Erin. No. No. No. He's wrong. That didn't hit the airport. I had heard the fear in her voice and couldn't get to her. Couldn't hold her. Her last words before she hung up? "Love you, Mom." Mine to her? "Me you, too." Just like every conversation. My sister was hit with a tornado in Cordova that morning and another that afternoon. One of her friends lost a child. Teresa's, Donna's roommate, niece whom Teresa has adopted lost a classmate. Another six-year-old died. Total of eight in that very, very small town. It would be like eight people in Lowery dying. It's that small. I couldn't get a call through to Donna, just voice mail. When the second one hit I knew that since they didn't have power that they didn't have sirens. Thankfully, she had her weather radio. They never heard it coming. Two kids that were killed were skateboarding in the parking lot of what had been that morning the town's only grocery store. There was no reason they shouldn't be outside. The sky was partly cloudy. No wind. No warning. Cordova was the only town in all states hit that day that was effectively wiped out twice. Deaths both times. Even knowing that, all I could think of was that Erin was sitting in the bathroom at the Birmingham Airport underneath the hand dryer. She had spoken to Bethany and was scared for her. She called us to tell us she loved us. How do I feel now? Numb. I can barely breathe knowing how close I was to losing her that day. How close I was to losing both of them. I could sympathize with my mother who was afraid for her child the same as I was afraid for mine. There are mothers across four states who went through what I did that day. What my mother went through. What your mother went through. What Ashton's mother went through. Every time I let myself think about it, I can't breathe. I don't know how they're dealing with it, but I know how I have chosen to. I have chosen not to deal with it. Denial? You bet. I can't live with the thought of losing her, much less facing how close I came on Wednesday."</em><br />
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Responses the day after that series of horrible tornadoes were emotional. Then I noticed a new Friend on Facebook: Toomers for Tide. Talk about a ground swell of support! Now I log on as often as I can to check the posts from Toomers. This poor guy has gotten help to keep this organized. Good thing! He seems to be organizing offers of help from across the country. This morning I saw responses from Annapolis, Las Vegas, Georgia, Ohio, Maryland. <br />
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It is so easy to get caught up in our own misery that often we don't open our eyes to the misery of others. It is easy to begin to doubt the elemental goodness of Man. We moved Erin home from Tuscaloosa yesterday. We saw only a very small area that was devastated by the tornado there. We made a point of staying out of the way as much as possible. But what we saw broke my heart. We saw cars that first responders had marked with spray paint to indicate whether or not a body had been inside. We saw rubble where businesses, already dealing with a struggling economy, once stood. One street over life was normal, untouched. What else did I see? National Guardsmen watching over a group of teenagers as they dashed across traffic. Orange Beach police vehicles parked next to Tuscaloosa City police vehicles. I saw bucket trucks three and four deep parked all along roads working to bring electricity back to ravaged neighborhoods. I saw people from all walks of life who had left their homes to reach out to those in need. <br />
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Looking back over the posts from Toomers I am reminded that I am blessed. My heart is full from the efforts of others reaching out to strangers. I mourn for those who were lost and their families. So why do I feel blessed? Because my loved ones survived. Because God was watching over the ones I love. Because God answers prayers - even those made up of, "Please, God, no." Three little words. Repeated. Over and over. And He heard me. I am humbled by the despair I see in others' faces as they beg for help on the news. I am humbled by goodness of others as they put their lives on hold to help others put their lives back together. I am a speck of dust in God's universe yet he heard my prayer. His answer could just have easily been something else. So now I will continue to repeat another short prayer, "Thank you, God. I am blessed."Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-9585045875112261812011-03-29T21:46:00.000-05:002012-03-27T16:31:20.358-05:00Spring is in the air...We have made our first trip to the beach so it is now, officially, spring in the Shaw household. On Sunday night after we returned we had a good, old-fashioned thunder / hail storm with a nice green sky accompanying it. I said it...green. To anyone not living in an area where tornadoes herald the coming spring, a greenish sky is a bad, bad sign. Thankfully, all we got was hail and we didn't get nearly as much as people as little as a mile south of us. That's okay. We got pictures and video!<br />
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Erin came home on Thursday so she could get some laundry done while John and I were at work on Friday. Within an hour of getting home that afternoon, John and I were ready to hit the road. Not long after, the car was packed and we were on our way. John had rented a suite for the weekend so that Erin could get away from his (our, really) snoring and hopefully get some sleep. Nice room, nice place, manager's reception, i.e. a free drink. Not a bad deal. Although the weather didn't really cooperate on Saturday morning, our time wasn't wasted. We saw a movie, did a little shopping, then hit the beach around 3:00 when the sun finally made an appearance. That's where we got our first real sign of the approaching spring...<br />
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Have you ever seen a Portuguese Man-O-War? Pretty things, really. These were bright blue and <em>everywhere</em>! Unlike some tourists, we actually pay attention to the flags. This weekend they were yellow and purple...dangerous marine life and rough water. The "dangerous marine life" got me. Erin had already told us about the pictures she had seen on friends' FB pages of all the jellyfish. While a Portuguese Man-O-War isn't technically a jellyfish (according to the news....), they can be quite unpleasant. One man who was on the beach with his two children actually went in to the water to catch one in a net so his children could see it better. When he was done with it, he left it lying on the sand. It was a beautiful blue color. So were the tentacles which trailed behind it for more than a foot. It happens every year. When the jellyfish arrive at the beach...spring is here!<br />
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The other sign of spring which I had noticed earlier in the week brought back memories for me. I transferred from Zion Chapel to Kinston the summer after Erin's kindergarten year. That fall she began riding to school with me every day. It was that spring that she and I began watching for the "green haze" on the pecan trees at the barn. It is really one of the miracles of Nature. You go to school one morning and the tree limbs are bare. You come home that afternoon and there is a light green haze hovering around the limbs on those very same pecan trees. Every year when Erin and I would begin to get tired of cold weather, we would begin watching those pecan trees. For many years, on the days when the miracle had not yet occurred, Erin would sigh, look at me, and say, "Not yet, Mama. Maybe tomorrow." Every day the same thing. On the day the haze was there, she would get so excited; so would I! It meant that Easter was coming, cold weather was on its way out, sleeping with the windows open was a definite possibility. Life was good.<br />
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Around the same time as the appearance of the "haze" would be the first hummingbirds. It's funny, but we never begin the hummingbird season with just one. There is always a pair. Since my husband absolutely refuses to mow around trees, we have one lonesome tree way out on the edge of our yard in the front of the house. That means the hummingbirds have a clear shot at the feeders I can see hanging on the porch just outside the kitchen window. By the end of the season, I'll be able to go out in the mornings to have a cup of coffee on the swing and listen to the hummingbirds on our porch. Yes, hummingbirds make sounds. On our porch it sounds like a swarm of bees. Somewhere we have a picture of one of our feeders several years ago. You can very easily count 21 birds at one feeder. When the season is in full swing, we will have five feeders going all the time. We refill all of them every day. I think the word has spread along the hummingbird internet that the Shaw household is good for free food. A few years ago we continued to see two birds long after the others were gone. With the help of an environmental scientist at John's office, we determined we had a nesting pair spending the winter with us. We left out food all winter and saw the pair consistently right through until the spring.<br />
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Well, spring is here, the haze is here, and the hummingbirds are here. Erin is not. We got to spend a nice long weekend with her last weekend, but she is flying out to Omaha tomorrow night and will fly back in late Sunday night. She is going back the next weekend. For the first time since she was five we didn't share the miracle of the haze. When we first moved to Kinston Erin was two. We lived underneath those pecan trees and I began to teach her to watch the trees so we would know when warm weather was coming. Now I know what her weather is going to be like from watching the weather channel. I either look at the map of Alabama or the one for Nebraska. She's one place or the other. <br />
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Our lives are made up of these little rituals. Those rituals change as we reach different milestones in our lives. Until I was Erin's age I was someone's child. Then I was someone's wife and someone else's mother for about the same period of time. Now Erin is moving in to that second stage of her life. So where does that leave me? What's the next stage? Just from personal observation, I think I get to be someone's wife again for a little while. John and I have been talking about the things he and I want to do together. Trips. We actually did that during fall break this year and are tossing around a few more ideas. While moving from one stage to the next can be bittersweet, I am going to have to force myself not to give in to my melancholy tendencies and find what's good in this for me. I don't have to worry about Erin. She is excited about her life and it seems to be moving along quite smoothly. It's me that seems to be drifting aimlessly. I'll find my way eventually. But every spring, no matter where she is, when I see the green haze I'll miss her and I'll remember those sweet days when she would look at me and say, "Not yet, Mama. Maybe tomorrow." I'll just have to hang on to that promise of tomorrow.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456219439164516051.post-51538597780696422522011-03-02T21:35:00.000-06:002011-03-02T21:35:45.640-06:00They told me . . .They told me it would change my life. They told me my life would never be the same. They told me to think carefully before making the decision. They told me it was a commitment that would last a lifetime. They were right. <br />
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Nineteen years ago today my life took on a whole new twist. John and I became parents. And you know what? They were right. My life changed. It hasn't been the same. I didn't stop to think as carefully as I probably should have. Know what else? It made my life what it is.<br />
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I barely remember the first time I saw her. It was sometime around 3:30 a.m. I remember knowing she was okay, but that's about all. The first time I actually got to see her she had been checked over and wrapped comfortably in a blanket. I do remember, very vividly, what I felt the first time I held her. I felt fiercely protective. I was scared to death, overwhelmed, and hopelessly in love. I knew then that she would be my first priority. I also knew that making her life as perfect as I could would be more important to me than anything else in my life. <br />
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But let's start at the beginning. When I first suspected I was pregnant I was so overwhelmed that I sank to the floor. Then I started laughing! I was so excited I couldn't contain myself. I immediately called a doctor to schedule an appointment. I wanted to be absolutely sure before I told John. When I was sure, I fixed a nice dinner and tried to come up with the perfect way to tell him. That night at dinner, before I could tell him, he guessed. We decided to keep our secret for a little while because we knew once we told our families, the baby would no longer be just ours. We were right.<br />
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Do I regret sharing her? How could I? Because of the love of our families, Erin has become the wonderful young woman she is. She is a composite of all the best parts of all of us. Because of her my life hasn't been the same...it has been richer, more colorful, more exciting, more intense. Happier. I'm not saying my life wouldn't have been full and happy if we didn't have her. That's not something I could ever know. What I do know, with absolute certainty, is that when I look back on the last nineteen years I am filled with gratitude. <br />
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This morning was the first birthday of her life that Erin was not home. I was awake at 5:00 missing her so intensely I could barely breathe. I made myself get up and get moving, knowing that the quicker I did that, the better I would feel. I logged on to her Facebook account to leave a note on her wall and realized I wasn't the first to think about her this morning. Strangely enough, that actually made me feel better. Just because she isn't with me doesn't mean that someone didn't wake up this morning with her face being the first image on his mind and heart. I know that she spent the day excited that TJ was flying in tonight to spend her birthday with her. They will come home on Friday to spend the weekend with us. Still, we will be sharing her. Family and friends are gathering here on Saturday night to celebrate her birthday. I don't know what time TJ flies out, but I'm pretty sure they won't be able to stay late on Sunday afternoon. She has one more week at school before her spring break, and then she will fly out to spend the week with him and his family in Nebraska. <br />
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Looking back I realize that she hasn't really been just mine and John's since the day she was born. We were determined to be the best parents we could be to help her become a young woman who could stand on her own...without us. We knew that as an only child there would come a time when she wouldn't have any immediate family. We wanted her to be comfortable in her own skin and confident in her ability to go on without us as a safety net. I believe we have accomplished what we set out to do. This is Erin's last year as a teenager and surely that is a milestone in itself. She is on her own, solving her own problems, taking care of herself, and doing quite well. She has a meaningful relationship with someone who appears to care as much for her as she does for him. Her life is on track and she has a plan. <br />
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Nineteen years ago I looked into her eyes and saw my future. She looked at me so seriously that morning, as if she wanted me to understand that everything she would be, whether or not she had the opportunity to pursue her dreams, was totally my responsibility. I felt the weight of the value of her life settle on my shoulders. It is a weight I have gladly borne and would do so again. <br />
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Hopefully when she looks back on her life, she will think that her dad and I have provided a life for her that has been nurturing. I hope she feels that we gave her everything she needs to make her dreams come true. I hope she knows that wherever she goes, her dad and I will always be available for whatever she needs us to be-that at a moment's notice we will drop our lives to go where she is if she calls. I hope that in talking with her friends, regardless of what might come up in the conversation, that she believes in her heart of hearts that we were good parents.<br />
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Happy birthday, Erin. May today be the first in a long line of happy tomorrows filled with laughter, learning, and love. May the roads you travel always be smooth. May the sun always shine softly on your shoulders. May those who travel with you walk by your side so that you feel free to travel your own path and not feel you have to follow them along theirs. Should the road ever become rough, rely on your values and they will see you through. Be willing to lean on those who walk with you and accept offers of help. Be strong in the belief that you are loved, that you are valued, that you deserve respect. Never underestimate your own worth. We love you.Sonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07139083012530514663noreply@blogger.com1